You did everything right. The school, the job, the hustle. You followed the path, and you're good at it! So why does it still feel like something's missing?

This week, Tess sits down with Malaika Smyth, a coach for high achievers who have checked every box and still find themselves asking a surprisingly hard question: what do I actually want for myself?

Malaika brings a rare combination of experience as a Division I athlete background, nearly eight years scaling coaching operations at BetterUp from 50 to over 3,500 coaches, and her own winding path through quarter-life crisis, identity shifts, and a gift box business detour. She helps people build success that actually feels like theirs.

This conversation goes deep on the psychology of high achievement, what Silicon Valley's performance culture does to young people, and why so many accomplished professionals have never once stopped to ask what they actually want.

In this episode:

• Why high achievers often tie their entire self-worth to how hard they work
• The Silicon Valley "duck effect" — calm on the surface, paddling furiously underneath
• What a Gen Z employee taught Malaika about a kind of career maturity she'd never seen before
• Why age doesn't automatically equal wisdom — and what actually does
• The sunk cost trap that keeps high achievers stuck on the wrong path
• What every client ultimately wants at their core (it's always the same thing)
• The 75-year-old exercise that cuts through all the noise and gets to what actually matters
• Where AI fits in the future of coaching — and where it absolutely doesn't

To connect with Malaika Smyth, visit malaikasmyth.com or find her on LinkedIn.

00:00 — Welcome & Malaika Smyth introduction

01:20 — When Malaika first questioned whether being a high achiever was actually working for her

02:43 — Where the drive came from — internal wiring or outside pressure?

04:10 — Growing up in Silicon Valley: the unspoken assumption that you had to do something "big"

07:00 — The duck metaphor: calm on the surface, paddling furiously underneath

08:40 — College as non-negotiable — and how environment sets a path without anyone saying a word

09:50 — Graduating in 2014: a Bay Area overflowing with opportunity and equity dreams

11:00 — Following her brother into product management — and realizing it wasn't right

11:40 — Quarter-life crisis at year two: the moment she knew something had to change

12:40 — Designing Your Life — the book that opened a new door

13:50 — Joining BetterUp and discovering what coaching actually was

14:55 — The question Malaika asks clients who are rewarded for hustle

16:00 — "My only value is that I work hard" — and why coaching helped her see beyond it

17:00 — The decision to leave BetterUp and what came next

18:30 — The gift box business detour — and the important lesson it taught

20:25 — The sunk cost trap: why people stay on the wrong path long after they know better

23:40 — Selling yourself vs. selling a product: the vulnerability of a coaching business

24:35 — "I don't really care if you work with me. I care that you work on yourself."

28:45 — The power of silence — and celebration — in a coaching session

32:00 — Learning to trust your instincts and why being wrong can still be useful

37:30 — What every client ultimately wants at their core

39:50 — Managing both younger and older employees at BetterUp

41:10 — The Gen Z employee who floored Malaika with an unexpected kind of maturity

43:00 — Age does not equal wisdom — a lesson that changed how Malaika leads

46:45 — "I've been talking to ChatGPT all morning and I need to talk to a human"

48:00 — Tess on AI: the real hope, the real fear, and what's actually at stake

54:15 — The first question to ask when you've done everything right and it still feels off

55:00 — The 75-year-old exercise: what do you want your life to have been about?

57:00 — How to connect with Malaika + closing thoughts

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You gave the feedback carefully. You were constructive. You even thought through every word. And they still shut down.

If you're a manager or HR leader wondering why feedback conversations keep going sideways, this episode is the one you've been waiting for.

Tess Brigham breaks down the neuroscience of why feedback feels like a threat, why Gen Z is particularly activated by it (hint: it makes complete psychological sense), and why the feedback models most leaders were trained on were built for a different era.

You'll walk away with a completely different understanding of what's happening in that room and three concrete shifts you can make starting with your very next conversation.

• Why the brain experiences feedback as a social threat, and what that means for your employees
• David Rock's SCARF model and the five psychological domains a single feedback conversation can trigger simultaneously
• Why Gen Z carries a higher baseline of anxiety into these conversations than any previous generation, and why that's not the same as being fragile
• The critical difference between feedback landing as information versus landing as a verdict
• Why technically correct feedback still fails when the environment isn't psychologically safe
• Three shifts to make right now: establishing safety first, separating behavior from identity, and giving space to process
• The fourth shift most managers skip, and why it changes everything

00:00 — The feedback conversation that went sideways — and the question every manager has

01:00 — "Can't they just take feedback like an adult?" — naming what nobody says out loud

01:45 — The neuroscience: why feedback is a threat, not just information

02:27 — The SCARF model: the five domains your brain monitors for safety

03:30 — What a single feedback conversation triggers simultaneously in the brain

04:45 — Why this hits Gen Z harder — and why it's not about fragility

05:30 — How social media turned their adolescence into a constant performance evaluation

06:15 — Graduating into a pandemic: what Gen Z never got from their first jobs

07:00 — When criticism lands as a verdict, not information

07:45 — A real client story: the five-minute feedback that caused four days of dread

09:00 — Why the old feedback playbook is quietly breaking down

09:28 — The broken assumptions behind the feedback sandwich and annual reviews

11:00 — Three shifts to make starting with your next conversation

11:15 — Shift 1: Establish safety before you say anything critical

13:00 — Shift 2: Separate behavior from identity — out loud, every single time

14:30 — Shift 3: Give them time and space to process before expecting a response

16:20 — Why "closing" a feedback conversation is the wrong instinct

17:30 — The fourth shift: check your own nervous system before you walk in

19:00 — Why walking in frustrated defeats the entire conversation

20:00 — The bottom line: what managers who are getting this right actually understand

21:00 — Free resources: the Gen Z Playbook + related episodes

Download Tess's free Gen Z Playbook at TessBrigham.com.

Episode 52 (Why Gen Z Keeps Asking Questions at Work)

Episode 47 (The Manager Effect | Why Your Boss Impacts Your Mental Health More Than You Think with Ashley Herd)

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Is AI really replacing jobs, or are we misunderstanding AI's role at work?

In this episode of The Gen Mess with Tess, Tess Brigham sits down with People Operations executive Erin Turnmeyer to break down what leaders, employees, and organizations are getting wrong about AI in the workplace.

With 15+ years of experience building talent systems, including time at the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, Erin brings a data-driven perspective on how AI, automation, and analytics are reshaping work.

💡 In this episode, we cover:

• Why AI is a force multiplier, not a replacement
• The real reason companies are making AI-related layoffs
• What tasks should (and should NOT) be automated
• How to use AI without losing the human element at work
• Why resume screening with AI can backfire
• Practical ways to start using AI without feeling overwhelmed
• How early-career professionals can stand out in an AI-driven world

If you’ve been feeling anxious, confused, or curious about AI, this conversation will help you rethink what’s actually happening—and how to adapt without fear.

Whether you’re a leader, job seeker, or just trying to keep up with the future of work, this episode will give you clarity and practical takeaways.

00:00 – Intro: “Fixing the mess vs living in it”

00:42 – Meet Erin Turnmeyer (People Ops + AI perspective)

01:05 – From chem bio weapons analyst → HR leader

03:10 – What people get wrong about AI at work

04:00 – “AI is a force multiplier, not a replacement”

05:00 – Fear-based headlines & why they’re misleading

06:00 – Why fear blocks people from learning AI

07:30 – How companies fail at AI adoption

08:15 – Real example: teaching AI internally at work

09:30 – What AI should NOT replace (human touchpoints)

10:30 – What to automate vs keep human

11:10 – Why AI resume screening is flawed

13:00 – Smart ways to use AI in recruiting (without bias)

15:00 – Removing “administrative weight” from work

16:00 – Will AI lead to layoffs—or growth?

17:00 – The real opportunity: 20% more strategic thinking

18:10 – Why companies must allow time to learn AI

19:20 – Advice for early-career professionals

20:00 – Using AI as a daily learning coach

21:30 – Don’t outsource your thinking

23:00 – Could AI finally deliver work-life balance?

24:00 – The 4-day workweek conversation

25:00 – Real-world AI use cases (healthcare, systems, etc.)

26:00 – What happens to jobs AI can fully replace?

27:00 – What actually gets someone hired today

28:00 – Why AI-generated resumes are hurting candidates

30:00 – How to use AI correctly for resumes

32:00 – Training AI to sound like you

34:00 – Spotting AI-generated applications instantly

35:00 – How young professionals can “train” AI on themselves

37:00 – Using AI as a thinking partner (not a cheerleader)

38:00 – Trust but verify: why sources matter

40:00 – First step: how to start using AI today

41:00 – Unexpected tip: use AI for shopping decisions

43:00 – Final thoughts + where to find Erin

Connect with Tess at tessbrigham.com

Subscribe to Erin's Substack, AI for Human Operators, at hrai.substack.com

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