"You're different from everyone else." It sounds like the start of something special, and sometimes it is. But Brooke Benevento and Danielle Griffiths say it can also be the very first sign that you've walked into a relationship with a narcissist.

This episode started with Taylor Swift's new song "Patient Zero," which Brooke heard as a song about narcissism and the damage it leaves behind. Danielle, the show's resident history person, takes it back to the source: the Greek myth of Narcissus as Ovid told it in Metamorphoses, the nymph Echo who could only repeat the last words she heard, and Nemesis, the goddess of retribution who punished him for how he treated people.

From there they walk through ten red flags, in the order they tend to show up: love bombing, fast attachment, testing your boundaries, compliments that turn into criticism, control, blame shifting, reality distortion and gaslighting, punishment and withdrawal, the pull back in just as you start to heal, and the cycle starting over. They're clear that it can be a partner, a friend, or a parent, and that we all carry a little bit of ego, so the list is worth holding up to yourself too.

They close with strategies: say no early and see how the other person reacts, accept that you can't fix them, don't feed the beast, watch how someone treats people they don't need to impress, and be choosy about who gets your time.

Brooke and Danielle are not doctors or psychologists. This is a layman's conversation for education and entertainment purposes only, not a diagnosis of anyone.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why Taylor Swift's "Patient Zero" sparked this conversation
• The myth of Narcissus, Echo, and Nemesis, and where the word "narcissism" comes from
• Why we all have a little narcissism in us, and why this isn't about pointing fingers
• Love bombing: the charm and constant attention at the start
• Fast attachment, and how to tell a real soul connection from one you're being talked into
• Why drawing a boundary early is the best way to find out who someone is
• When compliments turn into digs, comparisons, and sarcasm
• Control over your money, your time, your friendships, and what you're allowed to be upset about
• Blame shifting, gaslighting, and why it can take so long to stop second-guessing yourself afterward
• Silence and withheld affection used as punishment
• The pull back in: apologies, gifts, and "I'm going to change" right as you start to heal
• Why the cycle repeats, and the saying that history doesn't repeat itself but it does rhyme
• Giving and receiving gentle feedback without getting defensive
• Don't feed the beast: why silence works when arguing never will
• Watching how someone treats waitstaff and anyone they don't need to impress
• Gossip, drama, and what the way someone talks about others tells you
• Turning the list on yourself, and why awareness is the first step

Mentioned in this episode:

• "Patient Zero" by Taylor Swift
• The myth of Narcissus and Echo from Ovid's Metamorphoses

Connect with us:

• Instagram: @the.missing.peace.pod
• TikTok: @the.missing.peace8
• Email: themissingpeace26@gmail.com

Only a few episodes are left in season one, with a special guest coming for the finale. Have an idea for season two? Email us!

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"Are you effing kidding me?" That's what Dr. Pamela Steele was thinking while she sat there politely smiling, because a man she'd just met for a drink and an appetizer had invited her to a nudist colony in France.

Danielle Griffiths and Brooke Benevento welcome Pamela back for part two, and the tone shifts from grief to the other half of her book, Nights of Hunger: A Cocktail of Grief, Dreams, and Dating for Old-Ass Women. After 39 years of marriage and the sudden loss of her husband Patrick, Pamela spent about 18 months feeling completely numb, wondering if she was capable of feeling anything ever again. Then one online acquaintance woke something up, and that's the reason the dating chapters exist at all.

They get into what online dating actually looks like now: profile photos taken in front of an absolute disaster, AI profiles and romance scams, men who send a heart instead of a sentence, and the weekend Pamela discovered someone was impersonating her on a dating site, then got banned for life with no explanation. She walks through her no-no list, including how a man treats waitstaff, politics, health, emotional intelligence, and honest communication, and makes the case that "be yourself" only works if you actually know yourself.

She also talks about the chapter she's still a little embarrassed by, the nine-page email from a man who felt his story wasn't long enough, the two-month relationship whose ending brought every earlier loss crashing back at once, and the Buddhist phrase that anchors the book: no mud, no lotus.

This is part two of two. Part one, on grief and learning to live again, is the previous episode.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why Pamela put the dating stories in a book about grief, and the man who proved she could still feel
• Eighteen months of numbness after Patrick died, and what finally broke through it
• The nudist colony invitation, and what was really going through her head behind the polite smile
• Why everyone in the book got a new name, and the friends who worked out who was who anyway
• How much dating has changed: landlines and meeting people at work versus apps, algorithms, and geolocation
• Spotting AI profiles and romance scams, and the man who assumed she'd ask him for money
• Getting banned for life from a dating site after someone impersonated her, with no reason ever given
• Pamela's no-no list: rudeness to waitstaff, political leaning, health, emotional intelligence, and honest communication
• Why "be yourself" doesn't work until you know yourself, and where boundaries come in
• Wanting a companion without being willing to settle for the wrong one
• Turning men into friends when the romance clearly isn't there
• "Michael the Northerner," chapter 13, and the courage and embarrassment of having been that honest
• The nine-page email from a man who thought his chapter was too short
• Compound grief: how a two-month relationship ending brought all her earlier losses back at once
• No mud, no lotus, and why distracting yourself from pain only delays the healing
• The geography of the heart: how pain stops filling all of it without ever leaving
• Navigating versus steering, and why two capable people have to take turns
• Why ghosting is worse than a straight "I don't think we're a match"

Mentioned in this episode:

• Nights of Hunger: A Cocktail of Grief, Dreams, and Dating for Old-Ass Women by Pamela Katims Steele
• Part one with Pamela, on grief and learning to live again (previous episode)
• "No mud, no lotus," the Buddhist phrase Pamela quotes early in the book
• Sex and the City and Carrie Bradshaw
• The Friends episode where Ross dates a woman with a disaster of an apartment
• A Dan Fogelberg lyric about taking turns to navigate and steer
• Green Lake in Seattle

Connect with Dr. Pamela Steele:

• Navigate Grief: navigategrief.net

Connect with us:

• Instagram: @the.missing.peace.pod
• TikTok: @the.missing.peace8
• Email: themissingpeace26@gmail.com

Missed part one? Go back an episode for Pamela's story of grief, dreams, and learning to live again.

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"I will ask you to come and stand with me in my brother's driveway in Byron Bay, Australia." It's his 67th birthday, and instead of cake, Dr. Pamela Steele is waiting for the coroner to bring out his body. Her father had died two years earlier, her mother eleven months before. With her brother gone, she had lost her entire family of origin. Then, six years ago, on a trip to the Oregon coast for their 39th anniversary, her husband Patrick collapsed in the parking lot of their inn with cardiac arrest.

Danielle Griffiths and Brooke Benevento welcome Pamela, an educational psychologist who has written a book about grief, dreams, and dating after loss. Her career runs through the Peace Corps in Kenya, high school counseling, bank mergers and acquisitions, media, school district communications, and a Level 1 trauma center in Seattle. Today she does conflict resolution work, has volunteered on a crisis line, and is training to support survivors of domestic violence.

They talk about what happens when grief goes unexpressed. Pamela tells the story of praising herself for holding it together after her father died, then ending up in emergency surgery weeks later. They cover what not to say to someone who's grieving and what actually helps, like asking about the person who died, and the signs she believes Patrick still sends. She explains how thirty days of journal prompts, a dream journal, a spousal loss grief group, and her daughter telling her it was time to start dating turned into a book she never meant to write.

This is part one of two. Next week Pamela is back to talk about online dating.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Pamela's path through four industries, and why communication is the common thread
• Losing her father, mother, and brother within a few years, and then her husband of 39 years
• Why unexpressed grief and stress will show up in your body one way or another, now or later
• "Don't push the river": letting things unfold at their own pace and choosing how you respond
• Why you can't assume someone is okay because they look strong
• What to say and do for a friend who has lost their spouse: show up, get them outside, and bring food
• Why so many grieving people want you to say their loved one's name and ask about them
• How grief triggers hit without warning, like a baby watermelon in the produce aisle
• The signs Pamela believes Patrick still sends her, and why it's okay to talk about them
• Thirty prompts in thirty days: the journaling practice that became the start of a book
• Why laughter and tears belong together in grief, and why you shouldn't feel guilty for laughing
• Knowing when to get help, even when you "know this stuff"
• Deciding what to share with your grieving kids and what to take to a friend
• A daily check-in: one activity, one accomplishment, one kind of support, and one act of self-care
• Getting outside and changing your environment, and how discipline makes it easier over time
• How helping other people gave Pamela perspective

Mentioned in this episode:

• Dr. Pamela Steele's book on grief, dreams, and dating after loss
• Don't Push the River by Barry Stevens
• Steel Magnolias and its famous funeral scene
• Norah Jones, "Come Away With Me"
• Napoleon Hill's six basic fears, from earlier episodes
• Advance healthcare directives, health advocates, and getting your end-of-life paperwork in order
• Spousal loss grief groups and crisis lines

Connect with us:

• Instagram: @the.missing.peace.pod
• TikTok: @the.missing.peace8
• Email: themissingpeace26@gmail.com

Stay tuned for part two with Pamela next week, when the conversation turns to online dating.

Subscribe so you never miss an episode, and share this with someone who needs to hear it!

"You are your algorithm. You are the one that has built it." The average American adult spends 2.4 hours a day scrolling — 17 hours a week, nearly 900 hours a year, the equivalent of 37 full days. Danielle Griffiths and Brooke Benevento open with that number and then ask the harder question: if you got those 37 days back, what would you build with them?

Danielle starts with the history — MySpace, Facebook's 2004 launch, and the DARPA program called LifeLog that was shut down the same day. She's careful to say she's not calling it a conspiracy, just that coincidences have gotten less coincidental lately. From there it's the echo chamber we build for ourselves, the Pauline Kael quote about not knowing anyone who voted for Nixon, and why a feed that only reflects you back at you isn't information — it's a mirror.

Both hosts admit they're preaching to the choir. Danielle owns being "way above average" on screen time. Brooke talks about the bra ad that follows her around for five days, the marketing running underneath all of it, and her one non-negotiable for parents: if your child is in the room, put the phone down. They land on producer vs. consumer, the comparison trap, how to actually retrain your feed, and the question that stuck with both of them — if your screen time report were your bank statement, would you call it a good investment?

In this episode, you'll learn:

• The math on 2.4 hours a day — and what 37 reclaimed days a year could actually become
• LifeLog, DARPA, and February 4, 2004 — the story Danielle can't quite call a coincidence
• Pauline Kael, Nixon, and the self-created echo chamber
• Why the search bar is the fastest way to rebuild what your feed shows you
• Producer or consumer? The questions that tell you which one you are
• "A producer leaves value; a consumer collects content"
• Why opening your phone first thing flips the anxiety switch — and Brooke and Danielle's workaround
• Comparison as the deadly sin of social media — and why followers don't mean what you think
• Keeping up with the Joneses, 13-inch TVs, and the $588 big screen at Sam's Club
• Hero worship: naming every Kardashian but not the first president
• How emotion sells — the bra ad, the shared IP address, and the celebrity endorsement
• Being addicted to outrage, and what "don't feed the trolls" is really protecting
• Bots, paid influencers, and people playing Joe American from another continent
• The Matrix's woman in the red dress as a metaphor for every notification
• Practical resets: block the ad, unfollow, and rewatch what you actually want more of
• Brooke's mentor's habit swap — go drink a glass of water instead
• "If your screen time report became your bank statement, would you consider it a good investment?"

Mentioned in this episode:

• The Social Dilemma — the documentary both hosts recommend
• The Matrix — the woman in the red dress
• Mona Lisa Smile — brought up in the keeping-up-with-the-Joneses conversation
• Film critic Pauline Kael's disputed 1972 election quote
• The earlier perimenopause and menopause episodes
• The first few episodes on drama as the number one addiction

Connect with us:

• Instagram: @the.missing.peace.pod
• TikTok: @the.missing.peace8
• Email: themissingpeace26@gmail.com

Support the show:

• Venmo: @DanielleGriffiths78 — if you'd like to buy us a cup of coffee

Brooke and Danielle would love to hear what your algorithm says about you — drop it in the comments.

Subscribe so you never miss an episode, and share this with someone who needs to hear it!