5 Main ideas

I enjoyed this book and, although I don’t have children of my own, I found it very helpful for reflecting on my own upbringing and how my parents were able to achieve such a happy functional family amongst a sea of families that didn’t work out.
I took away a few key points from the book which I deemed worthy of remembering. 1. Have weekly family meetings. 2. Spend quality time sharing what you love with your kids. 3. Create and live by a family motto and family code of ethics. 4. Negotiate with your kids, don’t just tell them no. 5. Work to master healthy communication with your partner and don’t take them for granted. Looking at this more broken down:

1. Your family meeting gives kids the chance to voice their opinions and help steer the family and it opens the floor to feel safe communicating. This can be done over dinner, but it can also be a 10 minute conversation at breakfast. Discuss what went well since last week, and where you can improve. My family did this on occasion and called it rose-bud-thorn in which we discussed a highlight, something that didn’t go well, and what we are looking forward to in the next week.
I will add that the book recommends adding learning games to family dinners, but I think adding 3 family dinners where the focus is a vocabulary game is just too much and squelches room for creativity in the conversation.

2. Kids agree the main issue in a family isnt the amount of time parents spend with them, but rather the quality of time and that their parents are stressed which makes them stressed. Separate work from home life and try to be fully present for your kids. Don’t carry your stress with you. I like the idea of doing team activities together during family reunions as well. We used to play capture the flag and those are some of my favorite memories.
When you spend time with your kids, don’t pressure them. Support them without pushing your own agendas onto them. I really like the idea of looking at things in a positive light. If your child (or partner) makes a mistake, you turn it around a say “sure you made a mistake, but I love you because you're the type of person who bounces back/ never gives up/ learns and stays positive”

3. At first I thought the idea of a family Motto was hokey…but then I realized we have one. It's not our last names hanging in every room, but we have a huge picture of the grand canyon with the words “the journey is the reward” hanging in our kitchen. We also live by “Seek the joy of being alive” and I value that identity a lot. I really like the one in the book: May your first word be adventure and your last word love”. “An attitude of gratitude” is also a really great one to live by. I think this directs your decisions at their base throughout life.
I also found it a good idea to make a list of so to say 10 commandments of morals for the family “ we bring people together”, “we don't like dilemmas we like solutions” and so on to live by.

4. I like how he talks about negotiation. “Don't reject, reframe.” See how you can find a solution together. He recommends asking open ended questions: Can you think of any alternative solutions? Do you have any other out of the box ideas? It is important to hold all criticism. If you’re really angry, ask to step away and revisit the topic. This is great with kids and with partners. I find that creating words like “Time out” are great because then you say that one word and the other knows you need time to cool down. This helps a lot to keep your head cool and communicate properly.
The book was specific about communicating with kids openly about expenses. The website “Famzoo” to teach kids about finances sounded like a great tool to prepare kids for the real world. It can teach kids about saving and borrowing. It’s also a great way to create penalties for not doing chores and teach kids about work and consequences and bonuses. Research has has shown that humans will work harder to avoid penalties then they will to achieve rewards. So giving an allowance and taking penalties for things not done is more effective.
The book discussed using this to teach kids how to donate to good causes each month (although I might do it each quarter of a year) as well.

5. Research has shown that conflicts are best solved when people address their opinions in the very beginning before hearing other people’s opinions. Then they do not yet have the chance to be persuaded. After that, the discussion can begin. It’s also good to think about what could go wrong with whatever decision. Bring up the worst things that could happen and a theoretical situation on how those could be avoided in the forefront.
I found it extremely interesting to hear that groups where few people dominated conversation were much less effective than groups where everyone partook. Moreso interesting is that groups that had a higher proportion of females were much more effective. These groups were more sensitive to hearing input from everyone, more capable at compromise, and more efficient at reaching decisions. Studies have also shown that having more women on teams makes them work better. A study on board members in a fortune 500 company showed that having at least 3 women brings about a more collaborative work environment where everyone is heard. This really struck me, not so much within the family setting, but in corporate settings.

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