Joshua Shores was just nineteen years old when he deployed to Iraq in 2005. A Midwestern kid raised in a close-knit, supportive family, he had developed a strong sense of duty and honor.

Both sides of his family had proudly served their country, fostering a legacy of service that would guide his own path. Serving in Alpha Company, 1st Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment, Shores was a teenager among battle-hardened peers, far removed from the naïve assumptions of war that he had once held.

Based on meticulous notes taken throughout his deployment, this vivid account follows his experiences as he navigated the brutal realities of war. Shores’ grueling seven-month deployment was marked by day-to-day struggles and nightmarish events. Driven by a desire to redeem himself and reconcile the harrowing experiences of his first deployment, Shores chose to return to combat a second time, this time to Afghanistan with the first-ever Marine Special Operations Company Bravo. But upon returning home, he faced new and equally daunting battles—struggling with survivor’s guilt and a profound sense of being misunderstood by those who had once known him.

Illuminating both the triumphs and failures he encountered on the front lines, his memoir offers a deeply personal perspective on the true cost of combat, providing a modern-day perspective on the psychological and emotional impacts of battle. This is the harrowing story of a teenager’s descent into the darkest parts of the soul and his arduous quest for redemption and self-discovery, capturing the relentless emotional toll of war even after the physical battles end.

Counting on Death serves as both a guide for new warfighters and a candid exploration of a veteran’s battle to find peace after service.