Ask The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast a Question. Text the TLT Pod today.

In today’s short bonus episode, we explore a message many of us were taught early and often: be polite, keep the peace, don’t make things uncomfortable.
But what happens when politeness comes at the cost of safety?

From a psychological and nervous-system perspective, politeness is a learned survival strategy. For many women, children, and people raised in emotionally unpredictable environments, being agreeable once helped maintain connection or reduce harm. It worked - until it didn’t.

Your nervous system, however, has always been paying attention. Long before you had language for boundaries, your body learned how to scan for safety through tone of voice, facial expressions, proximity, and unpredictability. When something feels off, the body knows first.

Drawing on Polyvagal Theory, the work of Gavin de Becker, and insights from Harriet Lerner, this episode explores how intuition isn’t mystical - it’s pattern recognition - and why overriding it can lead to chronic anxiety, people-pleasing, hypervigilance, and emotional exhaustion.

We also break down why a longer exhale matters from a physiological standpoint - how slow breathing directly supports vagal regulation, signals safety to the brainstem, and helps the body settle before the mind can follow.

This episode is an invitation to gently ask: Where in my life have I stayed polite when my body was asking for distance?

You don’t owe comfort at the expense of safety.
A boundary doesn’t require justification.
And intuition doesn’t need proof to be valid.

Your intuition was never designed to make you likable.
It was designed to protect you.

🍋 Connect & Continue the Conversation

• The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast on Instagram

📚 Resources Mentioned

• The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
• The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
• Polyvagal Theory — Dr. Stephen Porges
• Gentle nervous system regulation practices: slow breathing, extended exhales, humming, sighing

Disclaimer:
This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. Listening to this episode does not establish a therapist–client relationship. If you are experiencing distress, trauma-related symptoms, or feel unsafe, please consider seeking support from a qualified mental health professional or local support services. Always trust your judgment and prioritize your safety.

Ask The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast a Question. Text the TLT Pod today.

In this episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores a subtle but powerful distinction that shapes relationships, burnout, and self-worth: the difference between authentic kindness and people pleasing.

On the surface, they can look identical - being helpful, agreeable, and generous. But internally, they come from very different places. Authentic kindness is rooted in choice, alignment, and self-respect. People pleasing is driven by fear, survival, and the nervous system’s need for safety.

Together, we unpack:

• How people pleasing often develops as a trauma-informed survival response (including the fawn response)
• Why women and trauma survivors are especially conditioned to prioritize others over themselves
• The psychological cost of chronic self-abandonment
• Practical litmus tests to tell whether your “yes” is grounded or fear-based
• Gentle ways to begin setting boundaries without guilt or losing connection

This episode is an invitation to move toward a kinder, more honest way of relating - one where generosity doesn’t require self-erasure, and boundaries and compassion work together.

As always, this episode is for education and reflection, not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you’re in emotional distress, please reach out to a licensed professional or call/text 988 in the U.S. for 24/7 support.

References & Resources

People Pleasing, Codependency & Trauma

• Harriet Braiker, The Disease to Please
  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/60497.The_Disease_to_Please
  
  
• Psychology Today – The Fawn Response
  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fight-flight-freeze
  
  
• Psych Central – Fawning Trauma Response
  https://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response
  
  

Self-Compassion

• Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion
  https://self-compassion.org
  
  
• Free Self-Compassion Scale & practices
  https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test
  
  

Boundaries & Assertiveness

• Robert Alberti & Michael Emmons, Your Perfect Right
  https://www.amazon.com/Your-Perfect-Right-Assertiveness/dp/1891280010
  
  
• Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace
  https://www.nedratawwab.com
  
  

Additional Mental Health Support

• U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
  https://988lifeline.org

Social Media Links
The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast
Instagram
Twitter

Teacher Resources (really, for anyone)
The Lemon Tree by AKS
Box Breathing

Ask The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast a Question. Text the TLT Pod today.

In today’s bonus episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele offers a short, grounding reflection on something many of us don’t realize we’re still living by: old emotional rules.

These are the quiet, unspoken agreements we made early in life about what it takes to stay safe, loved, or accepted - rules like don’t be too much, stay useful, don’t need anyone, keep the peace, or feel later. From a psychological lens, these rules weren’t flaws. They were adaptations. Your nervous system learned them in response to real environments and real constraints, and they helped you survive.

But psychology also reminds us of something important: what once protected you can later imprison you.

In this gentle reflection, we explore how the brain and nervous system hold onto outdated instructions, why insight alone isn’t enough to create change, and how healing happens through safety, permission, and small corrective emotional experiences. Rewriting emotional rules isn’t about erasing the past - it’s about updating the operating system so it fits the life you’re building now.

This episode invites you to slow down, notice which rule might be running in the background, and experiment with offering yourself one small exception. Change doesn’t begin with force. It begins with permission. 🍋

Mental Health Resources (U.S.)

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – Call or text 988 for immediate emotional support
• Crisis Text Line – Text HOME to 741741
• SAMHSA National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for mental health and substance use support

If you are outside the U.S., please check local crisis resources in your country.

Brief Disclaimer
This podcast is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or medical care. Healing and nervous system work are deeply personal, and everyone’s experience is unique. If this episode brings up distress or overwhelming emotions, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional or trusted support.