Recording this episode was really difficult because it’s more personal and sensitive than anything I’ve ever shared publicly. Deciding whether to post it was even harder. I know that by sharing it, I’m opening myself up to scrutiny, and I don’t want to be defined by this story, or for people to assume it explains or justifies who I am and how I show up on social media.

But I shared it anyway because I am not a single story. I am not the sum of my negative experiences. I exist despite them. Still, I can’t ignore the fact that the way my friends showed up for me, and quite literally saved me during that time, shaped how I show up in friendships now.

Somewhere along the way, I became a kind of saviour. And sometimes that role isn’t warranted but it's my own projection. So I’m choosing to step back and be more selfish. To trust that my friends are smart, decisive adults who can save themselves from potentially unpleasant situations. They don’t need me to project my past onto their lives, and they certainly don’t need me to save them.

The lessons are simple. We must always communicate effectively, honestly snd lovingly even when it’s hard. Otherwise if we avoid the discomfort of a difficult conversation, we choose the pain of losing that relationship and the latter is far worse. It is also very important to be selfish sometimes and put ourselves first, especially if one is a people pleaser, which I am recovering from. Being selfish from time to time will prevent moments of extremes - being extremely selfish, which may leave you depleted and is a betray of self, or being extremely selfish and mean which no one should ever tolerate.

This episode is my reaction in real time to what felt like another friendship breakup. When I recorded this, everything was still very raw and honestly really painful. Since then, my friend and I have spoken, and I don’t feel exactly the same way anymore. There might still be a chance for the friendship, even though some real damage has been done.

I’ll come back with more honest reflections after that conversation and once I’ve had more time to sit with my thoughts. But I wanted to share this moment as it was, because the pain took me straight back to the first friendship breakup I ever went through, which hurt more than any breakup with a boyfriend. I guess this is just the cost of loving people deeply, and letting yourself be loved too.

I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about romantic relationships yet I don’t even have one. I also wonder if people in relationships also spend as much time thinking about it. I wish I could free up my mental retail space and instead focus on things that are more productive and meaningful. Perhaps my decision to accept that I may not find what I look for will finally free me from thinking about this so much.

I truly believe that our desires for partnership do not erase or replace the work we do to love ourselves and invest in other relationships in our lives, either with friends, families and or colleagues. All of these relationships have a place in our lives, just as romantic relationships have one too. I also believe that loving myself cannot replace the love and compassion I hope for from a romantic partner. I hope society didn’t shame us for expressing this desire, one most share but are too afraid to speak openly about.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how many of us feel stuck in situations we no longer want to be in - whether it’s a job we don’t enjoy, a weight that leaves us unhappy and unwell, or even a relationship that no longer feels right. That feeling shows up differently for all of us.

This morning, I woke up feeling awful. I was mentally drained and physically tired. And I knew the only thing that could shift my state was movement - going outside and taking a walk. Still, I debated with myself whether I could feel better by sleeping some more or by taking action, a movement choosing change. It would have been easier to stay in bed, even when I din't feel good. It was up to me to choose the kind of discomfort that would lead to the outcome I truly desired.

Someone once said, change only happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. I hope this episode encourages you to take that first step, chomis whatever that looks like for you, and to start moving towards your happier, and healthier self because happiness is on the other side of the action you're avoiding.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need to be more guarded in how I interact with people on social media. As someone who naturally loves to connect, share and be open about my life experiences, this shift hasn’t been easy. But recently, that openness has left me vulnerable to people who might not have good intentions.

I’m also noticing how old insecurities from past friendship breakups are resurfacing, sometimes, in ways that leave me at a disadvantage. I’m learning, painfully, that I can’t always read people as clearly as I think or want to, despite the effort or intuition I bring to interactions. It sucks, and there’s definitely a tinge of hurt and betrayal. But there’s also guilt about trusting naively. This episode is honestly a real time venting session for me. I hope it gives you freedom to feel your complex emotions about your situations.

I hope this episode will not get me excommunicated by the only present parent I have left, and I hope she knows that assertions here do not include her for the most part. But man, parents do the most😂. How did we ever think they’re perfect? And no, this is not intended to throw shade but to liberate ourselves from the expectations we try to live up to. It is meant to free us, and for us to live for ourselves and our own approval as opposed to that of our families.