The lessons are simple. We must always communicate effectively, honestly snd lovingly even when it’s hard. Otherwise if we avoid the discomfort of a difficult conversation, we choose the pain of losing that relationship and the latter is far worse. It is also very important to be selfish sometimes and put ourselves first, especially if one is a people pleaser, which I am recovering from. Being selfish from time to time will prevent moments of extremes - being extremely selfish, which may leave you depleted and is a betray of self, or being extremely selfish and mean which no one should ever tolerate.

This episode is my reaction in real time to what felt like another friendship breakup. When I recorded this, everything was still very raw and honestly really painful. Since then, my friend and I have spoken, and I don’t feel exactly the same way anymore. There might still be a chance for the friendship, even though some real damage has been done.

I’ll come back with more honest reflections after that conversation and once I’ve had more time to sit with my thoughts. But I wanted to share this moment as it was, because the pain took me straight back to the first friendship breakup I ever went through, which hurt more than any breakup with a boyfriend. I guess this is just the cost of loving people deeply, and letting yourself be loved too.

I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about romantic relationships yet I don’t even have one. I also wonder if people in relationships also spend as much time thinking about it. I wish I could free up my mental retail space and instead focus on things that are more productive and meaningful. Perhaps my decision to accept that I may not find what I look for will finally free me from thinking about this so much.