Ever meet someone who somehow made you rethink something you've believed for years?

That was Lisa Tahir for me.

We sat down to talk about confidence - as you do for a podcast about confidence - and somewhere along the way we ended up talking about forgiveness, old wounds, the stories we tell ourselves and why some of us are still carrying around emotional baggage that should've been left curbside a long time ago.

Not other people's baggage, by the way. Our own.

Personally, I think a lot of us secretly believe that being tough on ourselves is a virtue. We think the criticism keeps us sharp and replaying our mistakes helps us grow. Worse, we think if we give ourselves a little grace that’s really just letting ourselves off the hook and when we do that, we'll somehow stop trying.

But what if all that self-judgment is actually the thing standing between us and the confidence we believe “continual improvement” will give to us?

There’s a lot to that idea and Lisa talks about it in terms of how we make sense to ourselves in the context of our life experiences. Because how many times have you looked at a habit, reaction, or pattern and thought, "What is wrong with me?" instead of asking, "Where did that come from?"

Ouch.

We can’t be confident if we’re always fighting with ourselves.

And maybe that's why I loved this conversation so much. It's not about becoming more confident by doing more, achieving more, fixing more or proving more but what happens when you finally put down some of the things you've been carrying and realize you were never as broken as you thought.

Highlights from our conversation:

• The difference between being honest with ourselves and being hard on ourselves
• The surprising connection between self-forgiveness and confidence
• Why we confuse self-awareness with self-judgment (and the toll it takes)
• How compassion for ourselves can change our relationships with everyone else

Lisa Tahir is a licensed clinical social worker, therapist, and coach known for blending psychology, energy-based modalities, and mindfulness to help clients build confidence and emotional clarity. She is the author of The Chiron Effect, endorsed by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and hosts the podcast All Things Therapy. Learn more about Lisa and her work at nolatherapy.com.

The older I get, the more I realize how much energy I spend trying to control things that were never mine to control in the first place.

Sometimes it's big things. The economy. My parents' health. Whether someone has the budget to say yes to a project. Sometimes it's ridiculously small things, like whether there will be a parking spot downtown or whether I've packed the exact right outfit for a two-day business trip. (Spoiler alert: I never have.)

What fascinates me is how convincing our brains can be. They whisper that if we just gather a little more information, think a little harder, prepare a little better, then we'll finally be able to relax. But somehow the finish line keeps moving. There's always one more variable, one more possibility, one more thing we should have considered.

Lately I've been wondering if that's why so many of us are exhausted. Not because life is necessarily harder than it's ever been, but because we're carrying around the impossible job of trying to predict and control outcomes that simply can't be predicted or controlled. Because even when we have great information, we're still making our best guess. Even scientists, researchers, and financial experts know there's always a margin of error. Things happen. Circumstances change. Life gets a vote.

And maybe that's the point.

Confidence isn't the reward we get after we've eliminated uncertainty. Confidence is what allows us to move forward while uncertainty is still sitting right there beside us. Not because we're reckless or don’t care, but because we've learned to trust ourselves enough to handle whatever happens next.

That realization has changed the way I think about decisions. Not perfectly, of course. I still overpack, I still overthink and I still occasionally convince myself that catastrophe is lurking around the corner. But I'm getting better at remembering that confidence isn't about controlling the future. It's about trusting yourself in it.

If uncertainty has been stealing your confidence lately, listen in. This episode might just make your next decision feel a little lighter.

I get a ton of pitches from coaches, therapists, and experts but my guest for this episode stopped me cold: he works with anxious attachment, and he framed it in a way that made me think, this is about confidence too. So I invited him on the podcast.

Trevor didn’t come to this work from some abstract theory. His life exploded first: a high-profile role at Tesla disappeared in a massive layoff. At almost the same time, a skiing accident left him with a broken jaw and the relationship he thought would last forever collapsed.

Professional confidence? Rock solid. Personal confidence? Shattered. Everything he thought he knew about himself and his relationships got thrown in the trash.

From that wreckage, Trevor uncovered patterns most of us live with quietly—patterns that quietly sabotage confidence and decision-making. Anxious attachment is more than overthinking or fear of rejection. It’s the invisible force that keeps you clinging to situations that don’t serve you, doubting your worth, and letting fear run the show.

And you probably already figured this one out: awareness alone isn’t enough. Confidence doesn’t return by just knowing you have these patterns. It only grows when you actively rewire your emotional responses.When fear stops dictating your choices, confidence stops being fragile; it becomes reliable and actionable.

This episode is messy, honest and deeply human, and it’s about more than relationships. It’s about how you show up, how you trust yourself and how you rebuild your confidence when life shoves you into the deep end.

Highlights from our conversation:

• Why anxious attachment quietly sabotages confidence, and how it shows up in everyday life.
• How patterns from early experiences can echo decades later—and why you don’t have to be stuck in them.
• The surprising link between fear, attachment, and the choices that define your life.
• How structured emotional work can transform anxiety into grounded, actionable confidence.
• Why your next breakup, job setback, or personal meltdown could actually be a pivot toward real confidence.

After a skiing accident left Trevor Hanson with a broken jaw, a toxic relationship ended and a corporate career at Tesla unraveled he immersed himself in the science of attachment, trained with some of the world’s leading experts, and earned his master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Today, Trevor helps people break free from anxious attachment, cultivate secure relationships, and build the confidence they deserve. Learn more about Trevor at theartofhealingbytrevor.com.

So picture this: three broken heating systems, all at once, all different energy sources—propane, solar, oil—and one with a ticking oil tank disaster that could have exploded. Six thousand dollars later, and yeah, I was lucky. Sure, it could’ve been worse, but the frustration, the stress, the sheer ugh of it? That didn’t disappear.

Stack ranking our misery can give us a helpful perspective but it doesn’t erase the suck.

And here’s the confidence lesson buried in that suck: life will throw chaos at you, no matter how prepared, no matter how smart, no matter how experienced. Confidence isn’t about avoiding that chaos—it’s about what you do once it hits.

That’s what this episode is about. Feeling crappy? Fine. Have your pity party, but set a deadline on it. Then flip the switch. Take action. Make a plan. Call for help. Do the research. Even one small step toward control rewires your brain in that moment from panic to power.

That’s real confidence. Not the “I never mess up” fantasy—but the “I can handle this, and I’m going to take control” reality.

So tune in and let’s explore why leaning into the suck actually builds confidence. How taking action, even when everything’s falling apart, tells your brain, “I’ve got this.” How gratitude for avoiding worse doesn’t erase the frustration—but acknowledging the suck and acting anyway? That’s a confidence superpower.

Then, the next time life throws a $6,000 oil tank, or a scary medical report,or just one of those gut-punch moments, you’ve already trained yourself to respond with clarity, calm, and courage.

Hey, fellow confidence Crusaders! I’m so excited to share this episode because I got to reconnect with my longtime friend and ACI-certified confidence coach, Annet van Duinen. We talked about her incredible transformation—and wow, the glow is real.

When we first met, she was quiet, thoughtful, and introverted. Today? She’s fully embraced her true self, radiating confidence in a way that’s both wild and sensitive—her term, wild sensitive.

Annette’s journey started with her ACI confidence training, which flipped her perspective on how she sees herself. By exploring her traits as both a highly sensitive person (HSP) and a high sensation seeker (HSS), she discovered a unique superpower: she can process deeply and take bold action.

It’s not just about personality—it’s about harnessing who you truly are to live fully, make courageous choices, and show up authentically.

We laughed, we got real, and we shared stories about the tough stuff: leaving a marriage, moving across the globe, and embracing traits society often mislabels as “too much” or “wrong.”

Annette’s story proves that understanding yourself—and giving yourself permission to be both sensitive and adventurous—is one of the most powerful confidence hacks out there. And the best part? She’s now helping others discover their own wild sensitive strengths and unlock the confidence they didn’t even know they had.

Key Takeaways:

• What happens when a highly sensitive person meets their wild side.
• Why embracing your quirks can unlock unexpected confidence.
• The hidden strength in traits most people overlook.
• How embracing yourself changes the way you move through the world.
• The surprising way adventure and sensitivity can work together.

Annet van Duinen has over ten years of experience in personal and professional coaching, and work that centers on helping people understand their nervous system and learn to work with their sensitivity rather than against it. Feeling a kinship with Annet? You can learn more about her and her work at annetvanduinen.com.

If I had something on my face, like smeared makeup, or a bit of schmutz on my glasses, would you tell me? Or would you awkwardly smile, hope someone else says something, and let me walk around all day wondering why nobody said a word?

I mean, it’s such a weird social code, right? We freeze, we hem and haw, we sugarcoat or do nothing at all. And the wild part is we’re the same people who get frustrated when no one tells us when we look off!

We just talked in an earlier episode about getting criticism— how personal it feels, and how fast our brains spin when someone points something out. So you’d think giving feedback would be easier, right? But nope. Somehow, knowing how much it can hurt makes us even more hesitant to give it.

Staying silent doesn’t protect anyone though. It undermines trust, confidence and sometimes even opportunities.

Confidence isn’t just about how you take feedback—it’s about having the guts to give it too. And I’m not talking about delivering it like a drill sergeant, but honest, kind, human-to-human honesty. Like: “Hey, just a heads up—your sunscreen isn’t blended well,” or “Your comment in that meeting might have come off differently than you intended.” It’s small, it’s real, and yes, it’s awkward—but that’s the point.

Confidence lives in those moments where you choose courage over comfort. Being willing to say what needs to be said builds trust, strengthens relationships, and, honestly, it’s contagious. People notice when someone can give feedback without ego or judgment—and they respect it.

Consider this episode your BFF permission slip: it’s okay to speak up. Your honesty could be the thing that saves someone’s day—or their career.

Let me just say this upfront—if you’ve ever side-eyed anything that sounds even a little “mindset-y,” you’re in good company. I went into this conversation with executive coach and neurolinguistic programming (NLP) practitioner Curtis McCollum curious… but not fully sold. NLP, hypnotherapy, mental emotional release—it’s a lot of language. What pulled me in though, wasn’t the terminology. It was what he was actually getting at underneath it.

And that’s that a lot of what’s driving your confidence—or quietly messing with it—isn’t happening in the moment. It’s old. It’s patterned. Running without your permission and how the insta-advice to “just think differently” doesn’t deliver the fix people want it to.

What I like about this conversation is that we don’t stay in theory. We talk about what it actually looks like in real time—when something hits, when you feel that surge, when your brain starts telling a very convincing story—and how to respond without either stuffing it down or spiraling out.

Because our brains really do run these stories on repeat. Some are valid and some are wildly outdated and unless we know how to catch them—and interrupt them—we’ll keep having the same reactions, the same emotional spikes, the same outcomes. Different day, same loop.

And yes, we address the “woo” factor. Because parts of this do sound out there—until you realize how much of your behavior is being driven by things you didn’t consciously choose in the first place. At that point, it’s less about belief and more about whether you’re willing to take a closer look at what’s been running things.

This is why you’ll want to listen:

• A sharper take on “mindset” that doesn’t depend on forcing better thoughts
• Why certain reactions feel instant and why they’re so stubborn to change
• A small language shift that quietly changes how you relate to your own thoughts
• What actually happens when you stop avoiding uncomfortable emotions
• How to start spotting the patterns that have been making decisions for you

Curtis McCullom is a specialist in Subconscious Leadership Alignment, helping leaders identify and release the internal friction that stalls execution. Certified in MER® (Mental and Emotional Release) and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), Curtis uses a science-based approach to shift how leaders think, feel, and lead. Learn more about Curtis and his work at bespokehumanpotentialcoaching.com.

Let me ask you something you probably don’t want to answer out loud: how much of your day is spent managing how you’re perceived?

Not just the obvious stuff. I’m talking about the subtle edits. The email you rewrote three times. The comment you didn’t make in the meeting. The laugh you forced because it felt easier than not. It adds up. And most of it has nothing to do with who you actually are.

And then what? You feel like a fake or a phony or somehow less than because you’re constantly being pulled in two directions: do you want to be liked or do you want to be real?

Because those two don’t always line up—and the moment they don’t, something’s got to give. For a lot of people, it’s themselves.

Guess what? Confidence isn’t about getting it “right” for everyone else. And that’s what I’m talking about in this episode. The patterns that look good on the outside but cost us on the inside. Over-giving. Over-accommodating. Being the one everyone can count on… while quietly getting further and further away from what we actually want. And then we look at the flip side—the people who don’t play that game, who feel solid, clear, even a little intimidating.

There’s a reason for that and it comes down to a hard, but powerful decision.

If that hits a little too close, yeah… you’ll want to listen.