Nothing feels worse than getting what you asked for — not because the dream is wrong, but because the climb demands more of you than anyone tells you.

In this video, I explore the part of growth that rarely gets spoken about: the internal resistance that shows up when you move toward something that actually matters. Not loud fear or doubt, but quiet hesitation, self-sabotage, and the urge to pull back just as things start to change.

Drawing on ideas from The War of Art and lived experience, this conversation looks at why pursuing your dream can feel destabilising, why pushing harder often makes it worse, and what this phase is really asking of you on an identity and nervous system level.

This isn’t motivation, and it isn’t about quitting.

It’s about understanding the cost of becoming someone new — and why feeling this way doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

If you’re in the middle of the climb and questioning yourself, this video is for you.

Watch on: https://youtu.be/vj3-6wBB_L8

What if the deepest grief of your life doesn’t arrive when the trauma happens—but decades later, when survival is no longer required?

In this episode, Learning the Hardest Path to Walk Leads Straight Back to Me, I share a rarely spoken stage of healing: the grief that surfaced at forty-three, more than twenty years after the original trauma. Not as sadness or despair, but as the collapse of identity, meaning, and every narrative I had used to survive.

I speak openly about grieving what never was—the childhood that couldn’t form safely, the parents who couldn’t show up, and the hope that one day connection or understanding would arrive and make it all make sense. We explore how trauma narratives aren’t erased by insight, but written over, waiting for safety to be felt in the body.

This episode challenges familiar ideas like “everything happens for a reason,” examines responsibility without shame, and names the dark night of the soul as the dismantling of survival identity rather than pathology.

This is a conversation about the hardest path to walk—letting go of meaning, external repair, and familiar suffering—and how that path leads back to self, not as an idea or destination, but as presence.

Chapters

00:00 Understanding Cyclical Relationships

10:27 Separation: Healing vs. Hurting

20:35 The Role of Relapse in Growth

28:46 Transformative Potential of Cyclical Relationships

Summary

This conversation explores cyclical relationships, characterised by patterns of breaking up and reuniting. It delves into the psychological and relational dynamics that contribute to these cycles, emphasising the importance of understanding attachment styles and the role of trauma. The discussion highlights the difference between healing and harmful separations, the significance of relapse as a part of the growth process, and the necessity of integrating insights gained during separation back into the relationship. Ultimately, it advocates for a compassionate and curious approach to understanding these complex dynamics, viewing them as opportunities for personal and relational transformation.

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