The Hidden Trauma of Transracial Adoption

Welcome back to Flip Your Mindset. Today I am sharing a deeply moving conversation with Eisner-nominated comic creator Sarah Myer. Sarah is the author and illustrator of the graphic memoir “Monstrous, a Transracial Adoption Story”. We connected after Sarah reached out to me on Instagram regarding a previous episode I recorded about adoption.

I wanted to bring Sarah on the show to share the vital perspective of the adoptee. As an adoptive parent myself, I know we must be willing to sit with uncomfortable truths and listen to the lived experiences of adoptees.

Growing Up Different and Adapting to Trauma

Sarah is a Korean adoptee who was raised in a rural, predominantly white community. In our interview, Sarah opened up about the severe bullying and racism they experienced from a young age. When you feel alienated and rejected for racial characteristics you cannot change, it leaves a lasting impact on your sense of self.

We discussed how children adapt to trauma and difficult environments. For Sarah, the primary coping mechanism was rage. Sarah fought back physically when pushed to the limit by peers. Interestingly, Sarah’s sister, who is also adopted from Korea, took a completely different approach. Her sister chose to be quiet and blend in to avoid conflict and racist jabs. It is fascinating how two people in the exact same household can develop entirely different survival tactics to get through the day.

The Adoption Industrial Complex

We also explored the larger system of adoption, which is an industrial complex. Sarah brought up the recent PBS documentary “Korea’s Adoption Reckoning”. This report exposed heartbreaking truths about the Korean adoption industry:

* The investigation revealed that many records were destroyed.

* There is evidence that records on both the Korean and American sides were falsified.

* In some tragic cases, babies were stolen or trafficked from hospitals and sold to agencies while the biological families were told the infants had died.

As adoptive parents, we are often sold the narrative that adoption is simply about love. However, we must acknowledge the inherent loss and trauma that comes from a child being separated from their birth origin. It is a primal wound.

The Burden of Healing

One of the most profound moments of our talk was acknowledging a difficult truth about the adoptee experience. Adoptees carry a wound they did not create, but the heavy burden falls entirely on them to heal it. This realization can feel isolating, but it can also be empowering because it means the adoptee holds the ultimate power to shape their own identity.

Sarah’s incredible graphic novel beautifully illustrates this process of confronting inner demons, processing anger, and finding self-compassion.

Thank you for reading and for holding space for these difficult conversations. I truly believe that we cannot heal what we do not understand.

Welcome to another solo episode of the Flip Your Mindset podcast. Before we explore today’s topic, I want to share a big goal of mine. I am putting it out to the universe to host my own radio show in 2026, hopefully on XM radio. It is a lifelong dream to talk with other experts in the trauma space about the struggles we all face.

But today, we are focusing entirely on the idea of rest.

The Problem with Relaxing

Have you ever finally had a moment to rest, but instead of feeling relaxed, you felt on edge? You might sit down after a long day only to feel restless, unsettled, or oddly uncomfortable.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone, and you are not doing anything wrong. For many nervous systems, calm does not actually feel calming at all; it feels unfamiliar.

Why Your Nervous System Rejects Calm

When I was training as a Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) practitioner, I learned a vital rule of the mind. Our mind and body will always yield to what is familiar, even if that familiar state is not functional.

If calm is not a familiar feeling, your nervous system will resist it because it feels exposing and unsafe. This is not a matter of willpower. It is entirely about how your nervous system learned to feel safe.

Calm is not just the absence of stress; it is a state of safety. If you learned to feel safe through vigilance, readiness, or always being prepared, slowing down feels like letting your guard down. To a nervous system that learned to stay alert, calm feels like a threat.

Signs That Calm Feels Unsafe

You might be experiencing this if you notice the following things happening in your life:

* You feel uneasy when there is nothing planned.

* You reach for your phone the moment things get quiet.

* You feel more regulated and in control during a crisis than during your downtime.

* You get restless on vacation when you finally have nothing to do.

* You constantly need structure, noise, or movement to feel okay.

When you force yourself to be calm before establishing a sense of safety, your nervous system interprets that push as a loss of control. It responds with more activation instead of less.

Finding True Rest

Understanding that calm can feel uncomfortable before it feels peaceful is a core part of what I call The Calm Code. I am releasing a book by this name in 2026, and I also teach a live eight-week course to help nervous systems learn safety slowly. We desperately need access to better information that removes shame and explains how our bodies actually work.

Take the Next Step

If you are tired of feeling restless and want to learn how to help your nervous system feel safe, I invite you to join my upcoming training.

Join the Anxiety Masterclass happening Tuesday 24! Secure your spot here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/masterclassanxiety

You are doing all the “right” things.

You go to therapy. You drink the green juice. You journal. You go on your mental health walks. On paper, your life looks stable maybe even successful.

But internally? You still feel disconnected, anxious, and stuck.

In this week’s episode of Flip Your Mindset, I sat down with Alyssa Booth, a licensed therapist and empowerment coach, to discuss a phenomenon she calls “Survival Mode 2.0”.

This isn’t the chaotic survival mode of a crisis. This is the “over-functioning” survival mode where you carry the mental load for everyone else, say yes to everything, and look like you have it all together while completely abandoning yourself in the process.

Here are the three biggest takeaways from our conversation on why “looking healed” is very different from being healed.

1. The Gap Between Knowing and Living

Alyssa pointed out a massive frustration many of us feel: The gap between information and integration.

We often go to therapy and gain tremendous self-awareness. We know our triggers. We know our childhood patterns. We know why we are the way we are. But then we leave the session and go back into the real world, and when a trigger hits, we still freeze.

Therapy is incredible for understanding the “why,” but we often need support in the “how.” As Alyssa notes, we aren’t meant to heal in isolation. We are conditioned to handle it all alone, but true regulation often happens in community, where we can practice these new skills in real-time.

2. Guilt vs. Shame (And Why It Matters)

One of the most powerful moments in this episode was dissecting the difference between guilt and shame. We often use them interchangeably, but they are fundamentally different:

* Guilt says: “I did something bad.” (I made a mistake, I have remorse) .

* Shame says: “I am bad.” (I am wrong, I am broken) .

Alyssa shared her personal story of becoming pregnant at 21 and rushing into a marriage to avoid a “broken home”. She wasn’t just dealing with the guilt of a mistake; she was drowning in the shame of feeling like she was the mistake.

When we operate out of shame, we self-abandon. We try to perform “goodness” to prove we are worthy of love. We over-function to hide the parts of ourselves we think are unlovable.

3. Are You “Performing” Healing?

Alyssa introduced the concept of Survival Mode 2.0 a state where you are no longer in the trenches of trauma, but your nervous system hasn’t caught up to your safety yet.

You might be safe now. You might be in a healthy relationship. You might be financially stable. But if your body is still reacting to old wounds, you will continue to over-work and over-give just to feel secure.

We often try to “perform” healing. We want to be seen as the “good person” who is reliable for the PTO, the bake sale, and the family, because we are terrified that if we stop doing, we will stop being worthy.

The Solution: Integration

So, how do we close the gap?

Alyssa argues that we need to treat our mental health like a gym membership not just something we fix when it’s broken, but a consistent practice of community and support.

We have to move from knowing we are safe to feeling safe. And that doesn’t happen by reading another self-help book. It happens by retraining the nervous system and refusing to abandon ourselves, one small decision at a time.

Quotes to Remember:

“Self-abandonment is the neglect to take care of your mental, emotional, and physical needs... you’re just deprioritizing yourself period, end of story.” — Alyssa Booth

“Guilt is ‘I did something bad.’ Shame is ‘I am bad.’ We can’t heal what we don’t understand.” — Stacey Uhrig

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might be “over-functioning” right now. Let’s heal together.