If the idea of planning sex makes you panic, this episode is for you.

And if you’re curious whether planning could help your sex life and relationship thrive - it’s for you too.

We often hear that spontaneous sex is the “real” kind of sex — and that if you have to plan it, something must be wrong in your relationship. But is that actually true?

In this episode, I unpack a new study on spontaneous vs planned sex and talk about how it plays out in real relationships.

I’ll share why planning can be a game changer for some couples, and why for others — especially if sex already feels pressured or stressful — it’s the last thing I’d recommend.

You’ll also hear what I do suggest instead if just the thought of sex makes your body tense up.

We dig into:

• Why holding on to the spontaneity ideal can backfire in long-term relationships
• How planning can increase satisfaction when sex is good but just not happening very often
• Why planning backfires when sex already feels like a chore, and what to focus on first instead
• How to rethink “planning” so it’s less about scheduling and more about creating space, anticipation, and safety

The study discussed in this episode is Is Spontaneous Sex Ideal? Beliefs and Perceptions of Spontaneous and Planned Sex and Sexual Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships by Kovačević et al., published in The Journal of Sex Research.

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