A NOTE BEFORE WE BEGIN

I am not writing this to upset anyone. You have a choice whether you read it or not. I want to be clear about that before we go any further.

All of this is my experience, my views, my truth.

For my entire life my story has been told for me. Rewritten. Pages removed. In some cases whole chapters. My story went like this: “My mom was really sick, and she died when I was two. My biological Dad was a bad guy and stole us in the middle of the night and brought us to a new house in Ohio, he hurt us really bad, and the Police came and then Jonah and I went to separate foster homes. My Aunt and Uncle did not like the idea of us being separated and they held hands looking deep into their hearts and decided they would happily adopt us..and we lived happily ever after.”

I am sure you can guess that this fairy tale only lasts so long as my ability to stay silent.

I spent a long time being the good girl, avoiding uncomfortable feelings, wearing whatever identity kept the peace. But masks get heavy. Identities you didn’t choose get heavy. And at some point you put them down whether it’s convenient for everyone else or not.

This is my series about finding my half siblings. It is also my exploration of something I have carried like an elephant on my back for a long time — the belief that my mother did not die of Crohn’s disease the way I was told.

The truth is I don’t know exactly how my mother died. What I know is what I was told, what the adults around me knew, and what I have been able to piece together. I will tell you exactly what I find — even if what I find proves me wrong. You can read all of it and decide for yourself. But it is time to start pulling at the loose thread.

I am writing this for my brother Jonah, who spent his life tortured by what he saw. For my mother Kathy, whose life should not have been snuffed out the way it was. And for my grandfather, who showed up the morning she died and was turned away at the door — who wanted her body exhumed — and who spent the rest of his life knowing something was wrong, until the weight of it slipped him into depression and alcoholism and took him too.

When I found my half siblings I had to upgrade the understanding of our biological father from terrible womanizer to something far worse. I essentially showed up and vomited my experience all over the table.

But here is what all five of us — that we know of — can agree on: he is a sperm donor. That is the beginning and the end of what he is to any of us.

This is the story of what I found when I finally went looking. I hope you’ll stay for all of it.

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PART ONE: THE MISCONCEPTION

This is not a series about disrespecting the people who raised me. This is not vindictive or impulsive. This is not me intentionally causing pain for the sake of it. What this is — what this has always been — is me refusing to swallow the lies any longer. A family full of secrets, lies, abuse politely labeled as growing pains, boys being boys. I have been forced to shut up and step carefully around landmines instead of walking straight toward the truth. My entire life I was made to feel like I had to be continuously grateful for something that was never my decision in the first place.

Protecting people who never deserved it.

I am done with that.

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Finding my half siblings was like picking up puzzle pieces I had lost long ago — the ones that complete the entire picture. Not just the painted pretty parts. But the edges and the corners — all the pieces you should have built first to see the whole picture.

The thing we can all agree on — every single one of us — is that our biological father is not worth the breath it would take to say his name. Collectively, unanimously, without hesitation: he i