Grief is Like a Pinball Machine; Coping with Grief and Loss after Betrayal

with Dr. Karen Strange

Episode Summary

Grief is something every human experiences—but grief after betrayal trauma carries a unique kind of pain. In this episode, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT and Dr. Karen Strange PhD, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT continue their powerful series on grief and betrayal, exploring why healing feels messy, unpredictable, and often overwhelming.

If you’ve ever wondered why emotions hit you out of nowhere, sometimes even decades later… why you feel numb one day and furious the next… or why your body seems to remember things your mind tries to forget—this conversation will help you feel seen, validated, and less alone.

Together, they discuss the truth many betrayed partners discover: betrayal can feel like a death—not only of a relationship, but of identity, safety, and the future you thought you were building.

This episode is compassionate, raw, and deeply grounding for anyone navigating the emotional aftermath of sexual betrayal.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why grief is not linear—and why it often feels like a “squiggly mess”

• How betrayal trauma mirrors the death of a relationship and the loss of reality

• Why people often experience grief as confusion, powerlessness, and loss of self

• What “delayed grief” is and why emotions can resurface years later

• Why numbness is a normal survival response (and not a sign you’re broken)

• How “trauma-versaries” can affect the body even when you don’t realize it

• The importance of having your story witnessed—without someone trying to “silver line” your pain

• How anger and rage can show up in grief, and how to safely discharge that energy through the body

• Why acceptance is often the moment emotions begin to intensify—not disappear

A Powerful Reminder:

Grief doesn’t end. It evolves.

And healing doesn’t mean you never feel pain again—it means learning how to honor what you’ve lost, hold compassion for yourself, and create space for your story to land.

If This Episode Resonated With You…

Please like and share it with someone who may be silently carrying grief after betrayal. You are not alone, and you were never meant to heal alone.

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Resources and References

• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying.

• Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

• Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly.

• Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger.

• Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice.

• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion.

• Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised Grief.

• Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.

• Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body.

Episode Title: The Grief of Betrayal: Loss that No One Talks About

Healing from sexual betrayal is not something you were meant to do alone. In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, host MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined again by Kris Cristiano, LCSW, CSAT, for an honest and grounding conversation about one of the most misunderstood aspects of betrayal trauma recovery: grief.

Together, MaryAnn and Kris explore how grief is not only connected to death, but to the loss of an entire reality—safety, trust, identity, expectations, and the future a betrayed partner believed they were living toward. They discuss why betrayal trauma creates a uniquely destabilizing grief experience, particularly because the loss is non-consensual and often leaves partners feeling disoriented, unsafe, and unable to trust their own perceptions.

This episode also highlights why healing requires connection, not isolation. Betrayed partners often carry their pain silently due to shame, fear, or a desire to protect their spouse’s reputation. MaryAnn and Kris emphasize that grief must be witnessed and validated in order for the nervous system to stabilize and for healing to begin.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, numb, angry, or stuck, this episode offers language, clarity, and hope—reminding listeners that grief can become part of your story, but it does not have to become your identity.

• Why grief is a core component of betrayal trauma recovery

• How grief is not just about death, but about the loss of a familiar life

• The difference between traditional grief and betrayal-related grief

• How betrayal disrupts the nervous system and creates disorientation

• Why grief is not linear (and why that matters for healing)

• The impact of shame, secrecy, and “walking wounded” isolation

• How community and safe connection help regulate emotional overwhelm

• Why grief must be witnessed and validated to heal

• How to begin identifying personal losses after betrayal

• Hope for moving forward without being defined by betrayal

• Betrayal grief often includes the loss of identity, future dreams, and safety.

• Many trauma symptoms (anger, anxiety, hypervigilance, numbness) are grief responses.

• Healing happens through support and connection—grief is not meant to be carried alone.

• The goal is not to erase the story, but to integrate it without being consumed by it.

• Disenfranchised grief (grief that isn’t socially recognized or supported)

• The importance of validation and witnessing in the healing process

• Neurobiology of grief and how the brain struggles to reorient after betrayal

• The Human Intimacy Conference (March 13–14)

Rise Companion Course: humanintimacy.com, Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal Questions / Contact: info@humanintimacy.com (send questions you'd like addressed at the Human Intimacy Conference) Human Intimacy Conference: March 13–14 (Online + recordings available) Use: 30OFF promo code

MaryAnn and guests will the grief series in upcoming weeks, including:

• Delayed grief

• Attachment patterns and grief

• How to live with grief without losing yourself

Please consider sharing this podcast with someone who may be suffering in silence. Healing is hard—but you don’t have to do it alone.

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, welcomes back Dr. Kevin Skinner to continue Season Two’s series on rebuilding trust. Together they explore why rebuilding trust after betrayal is so complex, especially through the lens of attachment and trauma, based on Sue Johnson's core attachment question: “Are you there for me?”

They explain how trust begins early in life, how it’s shaped by our experiences, and how betrayal trauma can mirror early attachment ruptures—often leading to protest, emotional overwhelm, shutdown, or feeling frozen while waiting for clarity or disclosure. MaryAnn and Dr. Skinner normalize grief, numbness, and uncertainty as natural trauma responses, not signs of failure or weakness.

This episode gently reframes healing: trust doesn’t begin with forcing yourself to trust a partner again. It begins with self-trust, learning to listen to your body and emotions, finding safe support, and allowing honesty about where you truly are. Trust, when it returns, is earned through presence, consistency, and repair—not pressure.

If you’re unsure whether you can trust again—or even trust yourself—this conversation offers compassion, clarity, and hope.

• Trust after betrayal is a process, not a decision

• Betrayal trauma activates deep attachment wounds

• Feeling frozen, numb, or unsure is a normal trauma response

• Self-trust is foundational to healing and boundaries

• Earned trust grows through consistent repair and safety

• The Still Face Experiment – Dr. Edward Tronick A visual illustration of attachment rupture and repair https://iceeft.com

• The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk, MD

• Human Intimacy Conference | March 13–14 Online conference featuring Dr. Skinner, MaryAnn Michaelis, Michelle Mays, Dr. Sheri Keffer, Dr. Karen Strange, Kris Cristiano, and more