In Episode 3, Kim breaks down resentment: what it is, why it lingers, and how to work with it without letting it harden you.

This episode introduces a key distinction between toxic resentment and healthy resentment, especially in the context of abandonment, infidelity, and long-standing friendships that no longer feel safe or reciprocal. Kim walks through how resentment often signals ungrieved loss, unmet expectations, and misplaced responsibility, and why learning to "lower the pedestal" can be an essential part of healing.

Listener questions include navigating anger toward an abandoning co-parent, repairing trust after repeated infidelity, and deciding when it's time to end a friendship that has become painful or one-sided.

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Time Stamps & Topics

00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Anger and resentment toward an absent co-parent
• Infidelity, divorce, and reconciliation
• Ending a long-standing friendship

00:00:50 – Introduction: what resentment is and why it matters
01:17 – Two types of resentment explained
01:45 – Toxic resentment and how it corrodes over time
02:12 – Healthy resentment as grief and disappointment
02:38 – Why having no expectations isn't realistic
03:06 – Resentment as waiting for someone to make things right
03:35 – How resentment reveals attachment and care
03:58 – A simple question to distinguish healthy vs toxic resentment
04:25 – When resentment is justified
04:47 – The pedestal problem
05:16 – How people get put on pedestals
05:42 – The process of downgrading
06:13 – Superficial validation and shallow loyalty
06:44 – Codependency and misplaced trust
07:10 – How introspection rebuilds self-respect

07:42 – Resentment with family
08:05 – Why family resentment hurts more
08:36 – Independence, boundaries, and healing
08:59 – Accepting that some family members won't change
09:20 – Grieving unmet parental love
10:03 – Choosing healthier attachment figures
10:26 – Vulnerability, shame, and receiving love
10:57 – Being selective about who you open up to
11:19 – The "closet of shame" and blocked intimacy

12:28 – Question 1: Anger toward an absent father
13:04 – Untangling anger from sadness
13:30 – Self-blame and inappropriate responsibility
14:19 – Correlation vs causation in abandonment
15:15 – How childhood conclusions repeat in adulthood
16:04 – Expressing anger safely
16:27 – Writing as emotional processing
17:09 – Identifying patterns of abandonment
17:56 – Seeking support and restoring self-worth
18:56 – Accountability in possible reconciliation

19:40 – Question 2: Infidelity and saving a marriage
20:26 – Understanding resentment from the betrayed partner's side
21:24 – Why some couples do work through infidelity
22:17 – Infidelity as a coping mechanism
23:14 – Patterns, unmet needs, and identity
23:57 – Steps of a proper apology
24:26 – Owning behavior without defensiveness
25:16 – Empathy, remorse, and rebuilding trust
26:45 – Answering questions and holding space
27:28 – Why trust takes time

28:28 – Question 3: Ending a long-standing friendship
29:11 – Healthy resentment and failed repair attempts
29:37 – Clarifying needs and roles
30:15 – When boundaries replace reconciliation
31:11 – Expectations, reality, and disappointment
31:57 – Pedestals, roles, and disillusionment
32:49 – Who changed: you or them?
33:39 – Growth, people-pleasing, and identity shifts
34:40 – Replacing unsafe family roles with chosen support
35:29 – Adult responsibility and boundaries
35:55 – Encouragement for speaking up

36:16 – Closing reflections and quote

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This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck in resentment, carry responsibility for other people's choices, or are trying to decide whether to repair, redefine, or release a relationship.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast