What does it really mean to stay true to yourself when the pressure is on? Discover how the concept of differentiation of self—central to Bowen Family Systems Theory—can transform the way you lead, relate, and make decisions, especially when anxiety runs high. Whether you’re a leader, parent, partner, or anyone navigating complex relationships, understanding differentiation is the key to clarity, resilience, and principled action.

Highlights

• The true meaning of “differentiation of self” and why it’s not about being detached or unemotional
• Bowen’s four key elements of differentiation: thinking vs. feeling, self vs. others, principle-based functioning, and anxiety tolerance
• Real-world leadership example: How Satya Nadella transformed Microsoft by leading with clarity and steadiness
• The difference between emotional reactivity and thoughtful, values-driven action
• Differentiation in family relationships: stepping out of anxiety triangles
• Practical steps for applying differentiation in leadership and team settings
• Why differentiation is a lifelong journey, not a quick fix—and how to start making small moves today

Chapters

[0:00] Introduction to Differentiation of Self

[2:22] Understanding Differentiation: Key Concepts

[3:36] Bowen’s Four Key Elements of Differentiation

[6:24] Differentiation in Practice: Satya Nadella’s Leadership

[13:26] Differentiation in Personal Relationships

[15:20] Applying Differentiation in Leadership

[17:16] Conclusion and Next Steps

Resources Mentioned

• Bowen Family Systems Theory
  Bowen Center for the Study of the Family
  
  

Want to know how Systems Theory could be leveraged in your business? Contact us at https://iridiumleadership.com/ to learn more.

Are you reacting or responding when stress hits your team? Discover why anxiety spreads like wildfire in organizations and families, and how your instinctive reactions might be more predictable—and manageable—than you think. Explore the five classic patterns of reactivity under stress, and learn how to spot them in yourself and others. Plus, get practical questions and assignments to help you move from anxious reaction to thoughtful leadership.

Highlights

• Why no one is an island: the power of emotional systems in work and life
• How anxiety spreads through teams and families (and why it’s so contagious)
• The story of Illuminations Corporation: a case study in leadership under pressure
• Five predictable relationship patterns when stress rises:
  • Increased togetherness
  • Visible conflict
  • Distancing and emotional cutoff
  • Over-functioning and under-functioning
  • Triangling
• How to recognize your own default stress response
• Why anxious reactivity is a search for relief, not wisdom
• The leader’s real job: managing yourself, not eliminating anxiety
• A practical assignment to observe your own patterns

Chapters

• 00:00 — Introduction: Leadership through the lens of Bowen Family Systems Theory
• 00:35 — People as part of emotional systems
• 01:58 — How anxiety shows up and spreads in groups
• 03:26 — Two key ideas about anxious reactivity
• 04:34 — The contagious nature of anxiousness
• 05:31 — Case Study: Illuminations Corporation under stress
• 09:40 — The executive team’s reactions and system dynamics
• 12:42 — Understanding anxiety as relational, not individual
• 14:49 — Holiday table example: how tension spreads in families
• 16:26 — External and internal threats to systems
• 18:08 — The quick, emotional nature of our reactions
• 19:58 — Five predictable patterns of reactivity under stress
• 21:09 — Pattern 1: Increased togetherness
• 23:00 — Pattern 2: Visible conflict
• 25:36 — Pattern 3: Distancing and emotional cutoff
• 28:02 — Pattern 4: Over-functioning and under-functioning
• 31:20 — Pattern 5: Triangling
• 33:20 — Revisiting the case study with the five patterns
• 35:57 — The leader’s challenge: staying thoughtful under pressure
• 36:48 — Stress as information, not pathology
• 37:49 — The work of leadership: being a less anxious presence
• 38:35 — Assignment: Observe your own stress responses
• 39:15 — What’s next: Differentiation of self

Resources Mentioned

• Bowen Family Systems Theory: Bowen Center for the Study of the Family
  
  

Want to know how Systems Theory could be leveraged in your business? Contact us at https://iridiumleadership.com/ to learn more.

Performance reviews and family gatherings might be more similar than you think. What if the same mindset could help you navigate both with less stress and more success? Today, I explore how leadership principles from Bowen Family Systems theory can transform the way you approach year-end reviews at work and those sometimes-chaotic holiday family get-togethers. Discover practical strategies to make both experiences more meaningful, less anxiety-inducing, and maybe even a little enjoyable.

Highlights

• Why performance reviews are so challenging—and how a mindset shift can help
• Three compelling reasons to embrace performance reviews as a leader
• Strategies for engaging top, mid-level, and lower-performing employees
• The 80/20 rule for effective performance management
• How ongoing conversations make reviews less uncomfortable
• Applying systems theory to family gatherings during the holidays
• Common anxious responses to family events and how to manage them
• Three actionable tips for navigating family dynamics with curiosity and intention
• The connection between family work and professional success

Chapters

00:00 — Introduction: Leadership, Systems, and the Holiday Season

00:34 — Why Performance Reviews Are So Hard

01:43 — Three Reasons to Embrace Performance Reviews

03:38 — Approaching Top, Mid-Level, and Lower Performers

06:49 — The 80/20 Rule in Performance Management

08:22 — Making Reviews Less Uncomfortable: Ongoing Conversations

09:22 — Shifting to Family Gatherings: Holiday Dynamics

10:55 — Typical Family Roles and Reactions

12:05 — Anxious Responses: Distancing, Conflict, and Avoidance

13:27 — Systems Theory: Working on Yourself in Family Settings

13:55 — Three Tips for Navigating Family Events

16:30 — The Ripple Effect: Family Work and Professional Success

17:01 — Closing Thoughts and What’s Next

Resources Mentioned

• Mindset by Carol Dweck
  https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

If you found value in this episode, please share it with others and leave a review. Have thoughts or questions? I’d love to hear from you. Stay tuned for the next episode, where we’ll tackle the reality and challenges of anxiety in our systems—at work and at home.

Want to know how Systems Theory could be leveraged in your business? Contact us at https://iridiumleadership.com/ to learn more.