It's a Boogie-Woogie Royal boy and girl named Dee Dee having A ROYAL QUEEN'S CHRISTMAS (2021), and how did we find it?…

TEASER:

I use-a da Google!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Getting the lead out for the NYC marathon … "Darren Wahlberg" … Vintage Hallmark mind prison … Long or Staten Island … Reopening the Beast … The dangers of nostalgia…

PART TWO

Cast Rundown …Megan Park Appreciation Station … The Expositional Challenge … We're sensualists … Plot Mop-Up: Zoe's BF's fancy hotel bakery contract; big brother snowman volunteers; good throwing form; after-school choir program; royal retirement, Exeter, Choate, Hanover, Danelaw…

PART THREE

Our new $10 Patreon livestream!/Hera Appreciation Station … Spot the Angel: Whitbey's fart-free Derek Jacobi notes … Eat Your Heart Out: Mostly good; antipasti damn sampler; OK hotel food; wtf r u saying (Italian); chicken caprese; charcuterie rosemary; Christmas colors; "I got cannoli!" … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 137's Collateral, Episode 141's Katz's knockoff, Episode 8's blood-red bordello Brooklyn…

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: You got direction in my freedom; Quit! Quit! Quit! Quit! … Foxhole Friends … Crossover: McDowell's, Hallmark cultural amnesia, Groundhog Day for Duolingo … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: King and Queen, plot forms … Authentically careless aristocrats? … Return of "Coordinator" … The Ethnics, an EPCOT People…

PART FIVE

Rating: 2.5 … So rote, real piano playing, busted for bird-and-fish plagiarism … The Leftovers: Julian Morris and Mae Whitman Appreciation Station … 2017 Mark Felt miniseries … Succulent Christmas meal … Handjob Park … Rob Thomas … Running back for the Jets … Palace of Exeter, Bruno Kirby's mom … A Pocket Circus, The Mook's Gambit … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

ANDY LEVY, MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR return for a latke contest and a little HANUKKAH ON RYE (2022) but first...

Everyone is being disrespectful to the story of Hanukkah.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Minyan introductions … Jewish menu check … Podcast Goy … Hallmark Hanukkah History … Jewishness at 11.5, for future museums … Instant Bubbe, chocolate syrup … "Hollywood" … Peter DeLuise, James Caan Rule … Pandering, mockery, Batman … Dissociation, grandparental Jewishness…

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: You've Got Mail Crossing Delancey ... Plot Mop-Up: Lisa Loeb and Hanukkah songs; the actual plot; the Battle of the Bubbes … Spot the Angel: Mrs. Mizansky; Perd Hapley, Kermit doorman … John Wick…

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: The Great Yiddish Bake Off; all Jewish food; teeming latkes; sufganiyot again; donut grievances; the Jewish Hidden Valley; egg cream; wax catharsis; corned beef sample, sad lox; rotating deli glamour shots; CGI; not kosher; "Gilberts"; rancid takeout swans; match game: food; concentration…

PART FOUR

Hallmark Expanded Universe: "Earth Jew" … Overdetermined: "Fiddler on the what?"; East coast culture snobbery … Crossover: Marvel, Candyman, Dr. Sleep, Harry Met Sally orgasm deli … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Bubbes, potato lip…

PART FIVE

Who's the Real Villain: Not making grandkids; NYC commercial real estate; no villains … Cloned bubbes, uncomfortable cousin vibes … Title/Sequel … Rating: 3.5 … Constant deceit, prayer … No to Andie MacDowell … Pokemonides…

PART SIX

The Leftovers: Electric menorah … Chekhov's seltzer gun … Grabbing pennies, generous tip …. IMDB Dive: Angela Narth Appreciation Station … Day drunk … SO not NYC, SO not heterosexual … DNA testing: No! … Why we do what we do … Andy's Stuff: Gay as hell, LA coding, waxpertise, Kyrie's Seamless order, Hanukkah's for children … Angry fasting movies! … Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "(I'm Spending) Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer.

That Slate article: LINK

Bluesky Links: Andy - Charles - Dave - Jeb - Maura

HOLLY ANDERSON brings us a piping hot basket of dogs to help us in GUIDING EMILY (2023), but…

TEASER:

We're at a loss … DMT and Togo … Live barking …

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Holly's forever home … Garth? … Hallmark knowledge (+200 Dodgeball) … Healthy for work: a millennial attack … Talking Dog theory … Eric McCormack, yellow lab … Surface dog, onscreen braille … Phone accessibility, unicornmoji … Timeless, America+…

PART TWO

Cast Rundown … Drew? … Dog interlude … The Expositional Challenge … Afraid of beeps … Muad'Dog … Chronic illness/generational targeting … Wheelchair coworker … Do the disabled depress Hallmark? … Public service: being blind and helping the blind … Crepe/pumpkin yearning … Omniscient foreboding dog narrator plot graft … Question the science … Garth's PIP … Telepathy > peanut butter…

PART THREE

Chip & Bean Cafe … Never seen the Simpsons … Spot the Angel: Sexless Drew/Mark … Online frisson … Wine clown … Workbot boyfriend … Emotionally incoherent, metal as hell … Final Destination / Ep. 67 doom/slapstick threat … Connor-exculpation … Vanishing palatial boomer mom…

PART FOUR

Eat Your Heart Out: Chip-based personality; real local restaurant; burger ejecta;"Blind Date"? … Dog biscuit downstream effect … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Greater Pacific Northwest, Amnesiac Utah … Ironside … Overdetermined: Refusing help … Coulda been worse! … Affecting outreach … Holly, and the emotional wave of fostering dogs … No Voight-Kampff or Villains … Good lines … Rating: 3.5, more Garth … A Shudder Christmas … REAL kiss fakeout … Simple journey, not a drag…

PART FIVE

Ratings ethos … The Wayans warned us … Day After Tomorrow on Quaid in Full … Atlantic Rim … Marvels Cat Scene Timestamp: 1:11:40 … IMDB Dive: Cybersleuthing with dog; Michael Mann's Tokyo Vice Road to Christmas; Andy Mikita, Antonio Cupo; Final Destination … Hallmark Candyman … The Leftovers: Listen for the sound shadows … Spaghetti-O's … Cremains … CoonHoundRescue.com: We deliver! … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Why did we try to find LOVE IN GLACIER NATIONAL PARK (2025)? Because it is there. As is…

TEASER:

The horniest avalanche-safety film we've ever seen, trapped in the Beavis terrarium of the ancestral mind, with Steve.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Is the Angel Jason Giambi? … Avalanche safety tips … A feast of table-read first takes … Extreme Hallmark throwback … The title! … Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Samantha, dog trainer, mom's apprentice; Sonya, stupid sexy Flanders mode … Beavis-world vision … Not pregnant, adios! … Swimmers … IVF and climate change … Star Trek: TNG, S1 … Better than the Trail of Tears one…

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: Nope … Eat Your Heart Out: Hot cocoa, food pyramid foundation; Hi-C goblets, unnatural wine; root beer float highball; banana/peanut butter croissant … Chris's disrespect and aspirin advice … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Stephen Huszar's ski-guy persona) and the hermetic placelessness of the Hallmark Alpine Biome … Andy Lack (derogatory) … Overdetermined: An effing manchild; Dead Mom; Frisky Dingo … Epic photo of epicry … Anti-fizz…

PART THREE

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chris, no growth, no person … The Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe … Great Moments in Moppetry: 2, director Mom, tough script, posterizing Sonya, plumper … Who's the Real Villain?: Those who ignore avalanche safety, false binary, misplaced blame, idiot skepticism … Rating: 1.5 … Pointlessly mean, obviously Whistler … Stock footage, iced tea and 11º…

PART FOUR

The Leftovers: The three most Canadian extras in history … The beautiful, talented Melvin … Melvin taxonomy … IMDB Dive: Stephen Huszar's better than this … Rabid remake … White supremacist sex tourist … Cops making fascists cry … In loving memory of outdoor Rambo III enthusiasts … Unwelcome antique National Parks feelings … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

We're having a launch party for the stuffed Italian bread triptychs honoring SISTERHOOD, INC. (2025), but first...

TEASER:

Don't fiddle with the knobs, or it's Queens for ya.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Happy Employment Movie! … Greeting cards, Tech Nazis, Roko's Basilisk … Jim Rome Take: A Hannibal Lecter Group Text Experience … Sacramento … No Trump phlegm, no fizz…

PART TWO

Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: The, uh, entire romantic plot; board structure; 30 Billion Dowmericans; mature/good sister/mother/daughter WASP; good-behavior modeling movie … Former mutuals with the screenwriter (no-drama edition)…

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: It Takes a Village … Eat Your Heart Out: Drunkenness; no Campari in Hallmark; kitchen oaf; 1/2 of one squash, 3 tiny chicken filets, loose paprika dredge, quartered like a math problem; overdoing the crafty; huge orange; shooters with mom … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoless Chicago again, Siena College garnish; the thinking man's Albany; the early funny ones!…

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Determined, not overdetermined, execution of required Hallmark beats … Kombucha's Christmastown debut … Kava bar … Crossover: Already a real romcom; Bobby Bacala, retired "accountant" … Luca Brazi syntax …Sheryl Sandberg and David Sacks: matchmakers … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Yuki…

PART FIVE

Who's the Real Villain?: Phone, the broader sort of Lean-In cosmos … Rating: 4 … Wife Chat: The Board … IMDB Dive: Hackett and Galanoy Appreciation Station; grown-up Nickelodeon; phone … The Leftovers: How many gags didn't make the Hallmark cut? … Mail montage … A series of calzones … Momtuition … Self-McKinseying … Rubber Gaskets … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

We're spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them's the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (2025), but first...

TEASER:

Our respect for the Boboli Corporation.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Station … "Fries" vs. "Pizza"...

PART TWO

We counted them down! … "Christmas" explains a lot … Can't remember movies … Why do these people meet? … Cast Rundown … Soriano or Osuna? … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Sick child, gay cookie foundry … Familiarly defamiliarizing … La Chabert Appreciation Station … No horny material…

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Village NPCs vs. The Gig Economy … Bottle episode … Eat Your Heart Out: Enormous martinis, extra host, scalding coffee, the FBI's Flavor Unit, Edible purse, Our Respect for the Boboli Corporation, Charcuterie bodega, Uber Dolmades, "Potato Chip," "Nat-Chos," … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: McBanjoverse, Zac Hugiverse, Santacon, Actual Christmastown; I noticed Denver; all existing alt NYCs … You love this (sorry)…

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Ghosts from a normal script; no mutual accusations; hard to be haunted by Valentine's Day; why did they commit to this?; some screwball'd help; good takes but not great jokes … Crossover: Collateral II: Collateral Aftermath, Michael Mann reverie … More Audioslave in Hallmark; Fred Schneider, welcome to Hallmark…

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chef Mario, Little Mikey's family … Gauntlet interlude … Who's the Real Villain?: App economy grindset; Bartholomew's non-rotating restaurant; Thomas, the NYC parking officer … Bonus sales pitch! … Rating: 3 … Thank you for trying! …

PART SIX

The Leftovers: Robert Buckley Appreciation Station … "It was me!" and "Fashion Week but Edible!" …Cooks Illustrated … NYC Soft FM, Michael Ironside as Viper, The Warriors … IMDB Dive: Michael Robison and Blade the Series, (feat. Sticky Fingaz) … "Are you on Instagram?" … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Powerhouse" by the Raymond Scott Quintette.

It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (2023), but first...

Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ...

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: No, or Jerry Gergich ... Eat Your Heart Out: 10,000 Flushes and Life Savers cocktails; Rainforest Cafe; candy-cane doctor; grocery-store cookies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jerry Reinsdorf and Hawk Harrelson; veteran men's encounter group; episodes 1, 4, 27 and 60 ...

PART THREE

Overdetermined: "I remembered Christmas"; what's wrong with you; meta-town; dad's cattiness; "what's Christmas?" repeatedly ... Crossover: You Should Have Left, Cemetery Man, Pleasantville ...

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Officer Connor and The Mayor ... Gazebo trend map ... Who's the Real Villain: Men's inability to process shame; Amazon ...

PART FIVE

Rating: 3 ... A baseless romance ... The Leftovers: Dustin Rikert and Easy Rider 2 ... Arm's distance ... Incorrectly beating your car ... CFL lighting ... A pine tree in a living room??? ... Deleted Scene: Walken impressions, cut-ups, Fatboy Slim ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2024), but first...

A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley affably going along ... Spot the Angel: No, but Hunger Games ...

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: Marcus the gourmet; blurred banquet; "make it a double!"; splash of skim milk ... No Cure for Christmas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Hallmark retail on one block; widowers are just lying divorced dads ... The Korean War ...

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Deconstructed Hallmark? ... Crossover: Ready or Not; Fake Fiancées on Adultery Island ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... The Real Villain/Voight-Kampff Test: Again, it's real and fine; weird knows it's weird ... Rating: 3 ... Three-car garage ...

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Where does it end? ... Crypto's pumping ... Let's gooooo debut ... IMDB Dive: Steal B-Rad's sunshine ... Christmas in Angel Falls ... MERRY! shirt ... Family kiss ogling ... Widow Talk: Don't eliminate supportive traditions ... 3x5 wallet photo ... Fiber-optic marketer ... WE DID IT, BABY! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.