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How To Have Better Conversations

How To Have Better Conversations

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 Get 3 tips for improving your verbal communication and find out what hostage negotiation can teach us about having better conversations. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer a perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:37] I have this theory that the massive amount of scripted and edited entertainment that we consume has affected how we think communication should happen. Instead of interacting with other people in real time, we watch interactions that are full of quick comebacks and clever responses. Even if there is conflict, the fights are perfectly choreographed. [00:58] I believe that seeing so much artificial conversation sets us up for unrealistic expectations of how real conversations flow, which can make us all feel like we’re awkward weirdos and we’ve become uncomfortable with a break in conversation that lasts even a few seconds. CK: [01:18] The dreaded awkward silence. Pam: [01:23] Silence during conversations is so anxiety inducing that many people don’t take time. to Think about what they’re saying, whether they should say anything at all, Or the impact, what they say may have. This fear of silence and the unrealistic expectations of how quickly conversation should flow can cause you to say things you don’t mean, or that you have to walk back later, and can make you commit to doing things that you don’t want to do. CK: [01:50] It could cause you to lie without meaning to. Or you may just end up sounding more foolish than you would if you took the time to think about what you were about to say. Pam: [02:01] Yeah. Yeah. Or I’ve been in conversations where there was a lull, and I ended up gossiping just to fill the dead air. And that feels pretty terrible afterwards. CK: [02:11] Well, as we’re starting to come out of lockdown and get back to having more in-person communication, it seems like a good time to learn how to have better conversations. Pam: [02:20] All right. Well, the first thing you need to do is the hardest thing. You have to get comfortable with a few seconds of silence, so you can take a beat before answering questions or adding your two cents. It feels super weird at first, but I promise you that it gets easier and that the pause feels longer to you than it does to the person you’re talking to. [02:43] To get comfortable with long pauses practice with your partner, roommate, or a close friend where the stakes are low. If they ask you a question, take a slow breath before replying. If one breath feels doable, try two. Eventually you want to work your way up to being able to take three fairly slow breaths without crawling out of your skin. [03:07] If silence feels too awkward at first, you can say, “Hmm…” or “Let’s see…” or something like that, that indicates you’re processing your response. Eventually, you want to stop using t
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