Why looking “fine” can be the loneliest place to be.

Some of the freakiest people you’ll ever meet don’t stand out at all.

They blend in. They’re competent, reliable, polished. The ones everyone depends on.

And quietly, they’re barely holding it together.

In this solo follow-up episode, Tonya Kubo reflects on her recent conversation with Rachel Alexandria to explore the hidden cost of being the strong friend, the capable leader, the one who never seems to need help.

This episode is for the high performers who carry what Rachel calls “secret messes”—the overwhelm, anxiety, and emotional labor hidden behind competence and credibility. Tonya unpacks the difference between having it together and holding it together, why competence often becomes armor, and how looking fine can train people not to check on you.

If you’ve ever been praised for being “so put together” while quietly falling apart, this one is for you.

You’ll hear how:

1. Holding it together often looks exactly like having it together—until it doesn’t
2. Competence can become a coping mechanism, not a sign of stability
3. High performers are often invisible inside their own excellence
4. Hyper-responsibility is learned early and rewarded later (at a cost)
5. The strong friend rarely asks for help—and why that’s not a character flaw
6. You don’t have to collapse to deserve care
7. Making yourself easy to say no to can help others feel safe saying yes
8. One honest sentence can open the door to real support

1. 0:00 – 3:10 Holding it together vs. actually being okay
2. 3:11 – 6:45 The curse of competence and hiding in plain sight
3. 6:46 – 10:30 Why the “responsible one” rarely gets checked on
4. 10:31 – 14:50 Competence as armor, not stability
5. 14:51 – 19:20 Hyper-responsibility and growing up in emotional chaos
6. 19:21 – 23:40 Why strong friends wait for someone to notice (and why it rarely happens)
7. 23:41 – 27:30 “I need help” even when you don’t know what that help is
8. 27:31 – 32:10 Being easy to say no to as a path to real connection
9. 32:11 – 36:45 Gentle check-ins vs. pressure, pity, and forced intimacy
10. 36:46 – 41:00 You don’t have to fall apart to deserve support
11. 41:01 – 45:30 A simple practice for strong friends—and...

Why high performers can be the loneliest people in the room.

Some freaks are easy to spot.

Dyed hair. Tattoos. Bold opinions. Loud joy.

And then there are the freaks who look fine.

In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with former psychotherapist turned soul medic Rachel Alexandria to talk about the hidden loneliness of high performers — the people who appear successful, capable, and unshakeable… while quietly unraveling inside.

Rachel works with executives, founders, and leaders who carry immense responsibility while suppressing their own humanity. Together, Tonya and Rachel explore why competence can become a mask, how perfectionism and people-pleasing are often survival strategies, and why asking for help feels so dangerous when everyone assumes you’re “the strong one.”

If you’ve ever felt invisible because you seem too capable to worry about — or if you love someone who looks like they have it all together — this conversation will help you see what’s really going on beneath the polish.

1. [04:15] Why high performers are often the most isolated people in the room
2. [08:42] The difference between having it together and holding it together
3. [13:30] How family dynamics and gaslighting disconnect us from our inner knowing
4. [18:55] Burnout, perfectionism, and people-pleasing as survival skills
5. [25:10] How perimenopause, ADHD, and long COVID complicate high achievement
6. [31:40] Why leaders can’t afford to “fall apart” — and what they do instead
7. [38:22] The hidden cost of excellence: “Other things suffered.”
8. [45:05] Why asking for help feels so inconvenient — and so necessary
9. [52:10] How to be a safe person for someone who looks like they don’t need help
10. [58:30] What to do if you’re the one silently struggling

Rachel explains that many high performers learned early that competence equals safety.

Being capable, polished, and self-sufficient became a way to survive — not a sign that they don’t need support.

When everyone assumes you’re fine, your pain goes unseen.

And when vulnerability feels risky, loneliness becomes the price of success.

“There is no gaining of a high level of skill or success without loss.”

In this episode, Tonya and Rachel unpack the uncomfortable truth that achievement always comes with tradeoffs — time, relationships, rest, or health. Burnout often happens when we try to pretend those costs don’t exist.

Slowing down, grieving what’s been lost, and choosing what matters most isn’t weakness.

It’s wisdom.

One of the most powerful moments in the conversation centers on this truth:

You don’t need to know how someone will help — only that you need help.

Rachel shares why trying to solve everything alone eventually stops working, and how naming “I don’t know what I need, but I can’t do this alone anymore” can open the door to real...

Everyone is in a rush to publish, to launch, to ship – to get something, anything, out into the world as fast as possible. But what if slowing down isn’t a liability? What if it’s actually your superpower?

In this solo episode, Tonya reflects on her conversation with book coach and ghostwriter Candice L. Davis to explore why craft matters now more than ever. In a world where AI churns out endless content and “quantity over quality” has become the norm, choosing depth is its own quiet act of rebellion.

This one’s for the writers, creators, builders, and beginners. Anyone trying to make meaningful work in a frantic world.

Tonya breaks down how thoughtful craft becomes an expression of care, why community accelerates mastery, and how taking the long road can help your people feel seen, valued, and held.

You’ll hear how:

• Craft is care, it’s how you show your people they matter
• Slowing down honors the work and the audience you’re making it for
• Depth beats velocity (and why rushing just adds to the noise)
• Community is the secret ingredient to better books, better ideas, and better outcomes
• “Pre-published” is still a real identity, you don’t have to wait to belong
• AI can speed things up, but it can’t give you context, nuance, or discernment
• Creating in public helps you refine the work while finding your perfect people
• Your pace and process might be your greatest rebellion in a culture obsessed with speed

• 2:38 – 5:22 The myth of the “Stephen King cabin fantasy”
• 11:56 – 15:02 Deadlines, urgency, and the fear of “running out of time”
• 18:21 – 21:12 A-plus vs. C-minus work: knowing what deserves your depth
• 24:41 – 28:30 Craft as hospitality (Mary’s studio) vs. craft as language (Candice’s work)
• 28:31 – 32:05 Owning your identity before you feel “ready”
• 32:06 – 35:30 Why beginners need community more than information
• 38:51 – 42:33 Creating in public without rushing the process

• Episode 12: Writing for Belonging, Not Algorithms with Candice L. Davis
• Nothing But the Words — Candice’s podcast
• CandiceLDavis.com
• Episode 10: Visibility Isn't Vanity with Mary Williams

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.

You can

Why thoughtful, human writing still matters in an AI-obsessed world

Most people dream of writing a book — fewer are willing to sit with the depth, discomfort, and time it truly requires. In this episode, Tonya Kubo and award-winning book coach Candice L. Davis unpack the cultural obsession with rushing: rushing to publish, rushing to create, rushing to get something “out there” before it’s ready.

Together, they explore what’s lost when we try to shortcut the writing process — context, originality, and the true human connection readers crave. Candice shares why literary excellence still matters, how AI can support (but never replace) deep thinking, and why thoughtful books can’t be manufactured on demand.

If you’ve ever felt “behind,” ashamed of your pace, or tempted to publish before you’re ready, this conversation is the permission slip you didn’t know you needed.

[02:10] Why rushing books has always been a problem — long before AI

[06:25] What we lose when speed replaces substance

[10:40] Why so many “books” are really blog posts in disguise

[14:55] Where AI genuinely helps — and where it undermines authorship

[20:12] The myth of the urgent publishing deadline

[26:48] How writing communities fuel courage and creativity

[31:30] Letting go of artificial timelines so real work can begin

[44:22] How to know if your writing community is actually helping

[50:40] A message for anyone ashamed of their unfinished book

Candice explains that thoughtful writing isn’t elitist — it’s generous.

When we slow down long enough to think, question, revise, and refine, we create work that offers readers context, clarity, and true value.

Speed produces noise. Depth produces belonging.

AI can assist with accessibility, workflow, and structure, but it cannot replace your ideas.

Using AI to think for you leads to derivative, recycled copy.

Using AI to support your thinking leads to clarity.

The difference is integrity.

Writing isn’t meant to be solitary.

Candice and Tonya discuss how co-writing, workshops, and writing circles keep writers grounded, encouraged, and accountable — something no algorithm can provide.

Candice L. Davis is an award-winning writer and book coach who helps experts move past surface-level content to uncover their deepest, most meaningful ideas. Through private coaching, writer cohorts, and her podcast Nothing But the Words, she guides authors toward creating books with clarity, craft, and lasting impact.

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist and marketing consultant known for building digital spaces that feel like chosen family. As host of Find Your Freaks, she brings together unconventional thinkers who know “normal” was never the point — and who believe that belonging is built through honesty and human connection.

• “Some ideas are bigger than a blog post. That’s why we have books.” — Candice L. Davis
• “If AI is doing the thinking for you, it’s pulling from other people’s ideas.” — Candice L. Davis
• “Your depth is your power. And you have more time than you think.” — Tonya Kubo
• “Once your book is out there, it represents you forever.” — Candice L. Davis

• Nothing But the Words — Candice’s podcast
• CandiceLDavis.com

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free....

Why showing up isn’t about ego, it's about belonging.

You might think being visible means being vain — that wanting to be seen, heard, or recognized is somehow selfish. But what if visibility isn’t about attention at all? What if it’s the key to helping your people find you?

In this solo episode, Tonya reflects on her conversation with her biz bestie and creative collaborator Mary Williams of Sensible Woo (010 - Visibility Isn’t Vanity) to explore what visibility, craft, and focus really mean in a noisy world.

This one’s for the creators, community builders, and quiet leaders who want to show up with heart — not hustle.

You’ll hear how:

• Visibility connects us to belonging (and why it’s not the same as fame)
• Craft isn’t about polish. It’s about care and respect
• Focus will always beat frenzy in a distracted, omni-channel world
• Authentic consistency builds more trust than constant posting
• You can’t foster community if you’re hiding from it

• 0:00 – 2:30 What “visibility” actually means (and why it’s not vanity)
• 7:07 – 9:30 The difference between wanting to be seen and wanting fame
• 9:31 – 14:13 Craft as community care. How intention shows respect
• 14:14 – 16:32 Why people leave communities when they don’t feel valued
• 16:33 – 21:12 Focus over frenzy — you don’t need to be everywhere to make an impact
• 21:13 – 23:35 Social media myths and the truth about “omni-channel” burnout
• 23:36 – 28:26 Showing up with depth and consistency = belonging
• 28:27 – 30:00 Final takeaway: your freaks can’t find you if you’re hiding

• Episode 10: Visibility Isn’t Vanity with Mary Williams
• SensibleWoo.com
• Sasquatch Media Grounds — Mary’s full-service production studio
• School of Moxie Podcast
• Mary on Instagram
• Mary on LinkedIn

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.

You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.

• Facebook Group
• LinkedIn

Most of us want to be noticed. Fewer of us are willing to admit it. In this candid conversation, Tonya Kubo and content strategist Mary Williams dismantle the shame surrounding visibility and ambition in the online business world. Together, they explore what it really takes to be seen for the right reasons and why “wanting to be famous” doesn’t make you fake.

Mary argues that craftsmanship, consistency, and a willingness to show up before anyone’s watching are what separate performative influencers from true professionals. From burnout-era marketing myths to the power of in-person community, this episode pulls no punches about what visibility costs — and what it’s worth when you claim it on your own terms.

[03:55] Why so many entrepreneurs secretly want fame but won’t admit it

[09:55] Why you should think like you’re going to be famous (even if you’re not)

[11:32] Craftsmanship as the real key to sustainable visibility

[19:18] Showing up at “eleventy billion percent” when nobody’s watching

[23:13] Finding your freaks in person — and why it matters

[29:00] The mechanics of genuine human connection

[40:37] How acting classes can make you a better marketer

When Mary Williams says, “Just admit you want to be famous,” she’s not talking about vanity. She’s talking about honesty.

At a time when performance seems rewarded over depth, she challenges entrepreneurs to own their ambitions without shame. Because wanting to be seen doesn’t make you shallow. It makes you human.

Mary reminds us that visibility built on imitation crumbles fast. Craftsmanship — the art of making something meaningful even when no one’s watching — is the foundation of lasting recognition. Fame fades. Skill doesn’t.

From Portland’s Feral Book Club to the PechaKucha-inspired community she co-hosts, Mary shows how in-person connection reignites creativity and keeps our online personas grounded in real humanity. Her mantra? “If you don’t human enough in the real world, it shows.”

Mary Williams is the founder of Sensible Woo and owner of Sasquatch Media Grounds, a full-service production studio in Vancouver, Washington. A former Hollywood professional turned systems coach, she blends storytelling, structure, and soul to help solopreneurs make media that matters. Mary is also the host of the School of Moxie podcast and a leader in several creative Portland communities, including Feral Book Club and Hustle Hard, Slide Faster.

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

• “Say the quiet thing out loud — you want to be famous. And that’s okay.” — Mary Williams
• “Visibility isn’t vanity. It’s the courage to be seen for who you actually are.” — Tonya Kubo
• “If you don’t human enough in the real world, it shows.” — Mary Williams
• “Fame fades. Craftsmanship lasts.” — Mary Williams

• SensibleWoo.com
• Sasquatch Media...

Why our differences matter less than we think — and curiosity might be the cure.

You can look at someone’s family, politics, or religion and think it’s nothing like yours. But underneath, most of us are fighting for the same things: safety, belonging, and a shot at raising the next generation, or at least leaving the world a little better than we found it.

In solo episode, Tonya unpacks her conversation with parenting coach Jen Gerardy (Episode 8: Becoming Who You Were Waiting For) to explore how labels, scripts, and moral judgments keep us divided when shared humanity could bring us together. This one’s for anyone who’s ever wondered if belonging is possible across differences. Spoiler: it is, if you lead with curiosity instead of judgment.

You’ll hear how:

• Parenting “off script” can teach us to question inherited beliefs
• Curiosity opens doors that judgment shuts
• Shared goals connect families with very different values
• Chosen family models belonging in action
• Most of us are fighting the same fight, just from different angles

• 0:48 – 2:23 The surface differences that distract us from shared humanity
• 6:23 – 9:13 Parenting “off script” and redefining what works for your family
• 9:14 – 11:12 Political, faith, and cultural scripts we inherit — and how to rewrite them (if you want to)
• 11:13 – 13:57 Chosen family as a model of community care
• 15:42 – 20:50 Labels, dehumanization, and curiosity as a leadership skill
• 20:51 – 23:28 Compassion across difference: seeing the same fight in others
• 29:03 – 31:42 The heart of it all: different families, same fight

• Episode 8: Becoming Who You Were Waiting For with Jen Gerardy
• Episode 5: Whose Suffering Counts?
• MomCo (formerly MOPS) – a ministry supporting mothers of young children

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.

You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.

• Facebook Group
• LinkedIn
• Instagram
• Podcast Hub

Tonya and her biz bestie,...

What happens when your family doesn’t fit the template; and you stop trying to force it? In this candid conversation, holistic family consultant Jen Gerardy joins Tonya to talk about parenting as a queer, non-monogamous, neurodivergent-embracing human — and why the goal isn’t to “fix” yourself or your kids, but to design relationships that work for the people who live inside them. We unpack best practices for talking to kids about adult relationships, the difference between cheating and ethical non-monogamy, and the relief that comes when you refuse to pathologize who you are. If you’ve ever felt like you had to hide parts of yourself to be welcomed in a parenting space, this one’s a deep breath.

• [00:00] “Who are your freaks?” — Jen’s people and why questioning norms can make you a better parent
• [07:08] Judgment, protection, and why compassion (even for the judgy folks) matters
• [11:16] Coming out to yourself as non-monogamous while parenting: what changed (and what didn’t)
• [17:06] Best practices 101: secrets vs. surprises, introducing partners, and centering child wellbeing
• [25:28] Rethinking “the village”: expanding who cares for a child beyond narrow roles
• [29:13] Stop pathologizing people: challenges ≠ you being the problem
• [31:29] The line to remember: “If the world isn’t set up for you, you’ll face more challenges — and you’re still not the problem”

• Ditch the scripts. Much of our parenting comes from inherited rules that don’t fit our families. Jen invites us to swap “what should I do?” for “what helps everyone thrive here?” That shift — from compliance to curiosity — changes everything.
• Secrets are never child-sized. If your structure asks a child to keep a secret about an adult relationship, that’s a red flag. Jen’s rule: surprises are fine; secrets aren’t developmentally appropriate.
• Design for real people. Whether you’re monogamous or not, widen your idea of “the village.” Ask: which trusted adults help this child feel loved, safe, and supported — and how can we make that care intentional?

Ethically non-monogamous (ENM) or polyamorous parents often have to censor core parts of their identity to access mainstream parenting spaces. Jen’s community flips that: no pathologizing, no moral litmus tests. Just child-centered, consent-based support.

• Psychological safety first. Clear norms (curiosity over judgment, “secrets vs. surprises,” no advice-dumping) create room to be fully seen without bracing for backlash.
• Privacy without hiding. Parents can be out about structure inside the group while choosing their comfort level outside it. No asking kids to carry adult secrets.
• Designed for real life. Twice-monthly Zooms welcome “life-in-progress” (headphones while making dinner, cameras off, kids nearby) so participation is actually doable.
• Best-practice scaffolding. Gentle guidance on introducing partners, language for kids, and school/admin logistics centers child wellbeing and consent.
• Expanded village. The community normalizes broader caregiving constellations (aunts, partners, close friends) and helps families design intentional roles and boundaries.

The result: fewer shame spirals, more resourced parents, and kids who grow up with clear language, consistent care, and a community that fits the family they actually have.

Jen...