Conflict Isn't the Problem: Fighting Better with Gottman's Four Horsemen Tammy and Norman discuss why conflict is normal in healthy relationships and why the goal is not to eliminate it but to manage it well. Citing Dr. John and Julie Gottman's research that nearly 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, they explain that many arguments are rooted in disconnection and feelings like being unheard, unsafe, or unimportant. They outline the Gottmans' Four Horsemen of destructive conflict—criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt—and share antidotes including gentle startups with "I" statements, taking partial responsibility and validating without agreeing, taking 15–20 minute breaks when flooded without rehearsing arguments, and replacing contempt with gratitude, respect, and repair through apology. They distinguish perpetual problems (differences in needs, values, and personality) from solvable issues (behaviors and compromises), emphasizing curiosity, compassion, and finding workable agreements. They also share a recent example where Norman stonewalled after feeling deprioritized when asking for computer help, and how Tammy used calm repair, validation, and patience to reconnect. The episode closes with tools for healthier conflict—avoid contempt, take responsibility, accept repair attempts, and lead with curiosity—reinforcing that it's not about fighting less, but fighting better, because healthy love is practice, not perfection.

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