Bad Motherpuckers

The things I want to do to my sweet, kindergarten-teaching, mitten-crocheting best friend Libby Collins are 10 different kinds of wrong. Maybe 20. But I'm a firm believer in teaching by example, and by the end of our first sex lesson, we've graduated to a hands-on approach to her education: my hands all over her, her hands all over me, and her hot mouth melting beneath mine as I prove to her there isn't a damned thing wrong with the way she kisses. 

I am the world's biggest dating failure. We're talking my last date went home with our waitress kind of failure. But I have an ace in the back pocket of my mom jeans - my sexy-as-sin best friend, NHL superstar forward, Justin Cruise. Justin owes me favors dating back to seventh grade, long before he became a hotshot with a world famous...stick. So in return for my undying platonic loyalty, all I want is an easy-peasy crash course on how to be a sex goddess.

When the family dog trots in with my diaphragm in its mouth - in front of my date, his parents, and his adorable little girl - you would think I'd hit rock bottom. Wrong. Let's back this up a sec. Brendan Daniels is the sexiest man alive. The captain of the Badger's NHL team is also clever, kind, funny, and was my good friend...until we cruised out of the friend zone one weekend with a red-hot fling.

I hate my new roommate. And I want to do dirty, delicious things to her in that swing she installed that we both know has nothing to do with aerial yoga. Neither of which is good, considering Diana Daniels is my NHL team captain's little sister, and he will break my face if I'm not a perfect gentleman. I try to be. Really, I do. But Diana has all sorts of Jedi mind tricks to make a man obsessed with getting her into bed, and I'm not gonna lie - I fall for every single one of them.

Looking up into Alexi Petrov’s dark eyes as I break the news, I’m scared out of my mind. This man is the most terrifying defender in the NHL, and if it weren't for my sporty new baby bump, I probably wouldn't believe we hooked up that night. (Yes, I’ve sworn off margaritas for life.) But the Alexi who goes to my doctor appointments, moves me into his guesthouse, and cooks me so many gourmet meals I look like I'm carrying twins? He isn’t scary at all.

When I see the ad in the Portland Alternative's "Love Wanted" section, I can't resist the urge to respond. Yes, it's dangerous - as a star forward for the Badgers, I have a reputation to protect - but I miss the thrill of calling the shots in the bedroom, and reading that ad is the first time I've laughed in months. So I reach out to Curious Cat about the "educational" opportunity....

Bree Marks is my best friend and my secret crush. And cursed with a deadly allergy to erecto-plasm. As in, she’ll seriously swell up and die if seminal fluid even touches her. Which means finding the perfect guy to punch her V card is literally a matter of life and death. She wants a no-strings summer fling, but she needs someone she can trust. A puck buddy who isn’t going to get overly emotional. That’s where I come in. It’s a simple request, really - and one I would be happy to honor. If it weren’t for the whole life-and-death thing.