Murder Sprees and Mute Decrees

At least that's what I tell myself when I witness the same hot guy commit mass murder three times in a few days. I'm either the luckiest mute boy ever or possibly the unluckiest. Who knows, maybe him kidnapping me will turn into the greatest love story ever told? Hey, it could happen! You never know how these things will turn out. I happen to believe in love and soulmates, and if nothing else, Arlington Fox doesn't treat my disability like a nuisance.

You know what I'd like to know? Where the hell my romantic, how-we-got-engaged story is. Am I going to get it any time soon? Where is my big diamond? Unfortunately, all that romance-novel-level relationship angst gets put on (indefinite) hold when my beloved son, Bellamy, is targeted by who knows who was poisoned and then abducted by a wolf-ish person I kinda like. Am I going to get my kid back? You betcha. The question is, how many people does Fox have to kill first?

My name is Edovard Durand Folange. I'm twenty-seven years old from Fresno, California, and recently, I moved across the country to live with my new parents and brother. Oppa kills people for a living, Papa is his announcer guy, my brother is like his assistant, and I guess it turns out I'm the person the magic tells who needs to die—it's called being an Augur. I don't really know what that word means, but even though it's scary, I'm getting used to it.

Welcome back to Will They Won't They? The Engagement: The Foxily Edition. That's the name of the show that I'm planning to pitch to a producer that's based on my life. Will Fox ever give me a ring? Who knows! I don't, and I don't think Fox does either. If the rock currently sitting not on my finger is any indication, we might be doomed.

Imagine coming home from an extended stay in a foreign country to find a letter from a house sitter you didn't hire warning you to get a protection order against your ex and informing you that you're a terrible plant dad. I mean, I am a terrible plant dad, and I probably should get a protection order against Stalker Steve, but that letter isn't the weirdest thing to happen to me today. I think the teleporting alien baby who's decided to make me their perch probably takes the prize for Weirdest Thing in Elijah Penn's Life.