Shower -The most cruel thing Mother Nature does is tease us in the middle of winter with that one warm spring weather day. Like last week there was a beautiful, sunny 60 degree day and you start to think “Oh wow spring has sprung! It’s finally here.” But it’s not! It’s now back to being like 30 degrees. It’s basically like a teaser trailer that gets you really excited for a movie that’s not coming out for another year. It’s just that sexy minx Mother Nature being that cocktease we all know her to be. Shaving -One of the worst feelings of anxiety was as a kid when you were absent from school for a day or two and then came back and felt like you missed EVERYTHING. It felt like you would never catch up in class. New friend groups were formed. There were a million inside jokes you missed. 1st Grade Tommy who famously had strep throat 7 times in a single year would often feel very, very left out. Lip balm -I just want to take a second and give a quick shoutout to anchovies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like anchovies. But that’s the thing. Everyone hates anchovies and yet, they just keep sticking around. Popping on menus. Being toppings on a bunch of stuff. And people almost never order anchovies. In fact, they’ll often go out of their way to remove anchovies from the food item. But that doesn’t deter anchovies. No. They are a resilient bunch. The world has tried to bully them out of our culinary circuit and yet they are still standing strong. Some thick skin on these fuckers. Deodorant -One of my pet peeves is when you tell someone you’re tired, and they then try to invalidate your tiredness by talking about how tired they are. “Oh YOU’RE tired? Well I had to do all this and I didn’t sleep well and blah blah blah.” Two people can be tired. There’s an infinite amount of tiredness to go around to everyone. We don’t need to gatekeep tiredness. Hand moisturizer -I can’t imagine being the leader of a very, very large country and thinking, “You know what? This isn’t enough. I need more land to rule.” That’s just so much added responsibility to invade another country. Ugh, the planning that goes into that must be so tiresome. Expensive. And not to mention, the country you’re invading is gonna for sure be pretty mad at you. Rightfully so. And I hate when people don’t like me. It’s like my least favorite thing. I wouldn’t want to just get on the bad side of an entire population. No. If I was the leader of a country, I’d be more than satisfied with the land that I have. “This. This right here is plenty to rule.” Hell, I might even give some land away if I thought it would make people like me more. Face moisturizer -There’s nothing I hate more than when people sell out and become shills for a product that they’re financially tied to and paid to promote. Because true artists are starving. You can’t replicate that hunger and desire once you get the bag. It just feels disingenuous and rubs me the wrong way ….. Anyway, you can buy all these lovely Would grooming products I’ve been using at getwould.com or at your local CVS. Thank you for your time.

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-For the “who are your 3 dream dinner guests?” question, I feel like every person should choose Jesus as their first overall pick. Because even if you’re not religious and you don’t believe in God, I think you just gotta the lowdown. See what he’s all about. Is he really the son of God or was he just a random dude? Test him. Make him turn water into wine at the table. And if he really is a miracle worker and all this stuff is true, then you will probably be handsomely rewarded in Heaven. Otherwise, there might be a little hold up at the gate where he says like “Hey remember when you could’ve invited me to dinner but you picked Will Smith instead?” Straight to Hell. -I don’t like the “clap police” who thinks it’s their job to decide when it is and isn’t acceptable to clap. People get so mad when people clap after a movie ends or when a plane lands? Why? That seems like a great time to clap. You just survived the miracle of flight. You should clap. You should celebrate. you should go bow down to the pilot and kiss his feet and it would all be justified. -I think I’m out on HIPAA. I went to the dentist last week and we were talking about work and he mentioned he’d seen a few other Barstool employees in the past and when I asked who, he said “Oh sorry I can’t. That’s a HIPAA violation.” What? That’s not some private thing that needs to be protected. I’m not going to think less of someone for going to the dentist. It should be a positive thing. HIPAA needs a little more sense. -Whenever I’m the first person in my party to arrive at a bar or restaurant, I always do everything in my power to make sure people know I’m not alone when I get to the table. I’ll start filling up multiple water glasses. Throw my jacket on a different seat. I want it to look like someone’s in the bathroom or something so people don’t think “Oh there’s Tommy Smokes by himself being a pathetic loser.” -Anytime I have a tech problem with a phone, laptop, TV, whatever it may be, I’m always convinced that no simple update or online solution will help. I always think I’m the first person that has ever had that problem and that I’ll need to buy an entirely new device but then pretty much every time I Google it, I find someone describing the same problem essentially word for word. -Whenever I’m on a long line, and it’s finally my turn to go up, I feel so much pressure to be the hero that goes quicker than everyone else did. Maybe it’s the Target self checkout line, I’ll sort of give everyone a look back like, “Don’t worry boys, I got this.” And I want everyone to appreciate how fast I am but I feel like most of the time nobody notices or cares.

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-I don’t see the need for a “text me when you land” when someone goes on a flight in today’s day and age because if something goes south, I’ll find out about it. That would certainly be frontpage news. As long as I don’t see a news story about a massive plane crash, I’m just gonna assume you landed safely. -Typically, when someone is bad at receiving compliments, it’s because they always deny it and are like “Oh no, that’s not true. You’re too kind.” But I’m bad at receiving compliments, not because I deny it, but because I accept it and then one up with my own compliment to myself. If someone says “Tommy you have nice eyes” I’ll say “Oh I know. They’re amazing. Have you gotten a good look at him? A beautiful green.” Or “Tommy you’re a pretty good actor.” “No I’m a great actor. I was actually the star of all my plays and can probably star in a movie one day.” So I like getting compliments, but just one I’m going to one up you. -We should work on technology that somehow keeps a TV screen always in your line of sight. Let me explain. When I’m laying on my back in bed, I see my TV perfectly. But if I want to lay on my side, I can’t see the TV well anymore. Same thing goes for couches, recliners, etc. I’d love for there to somehow be a way that keeps the image from the TV screen moving around the room so that it’s always in my line of sight and I can watch TV from any position I please. I unfortunately feel like this might be impossible. -You should be able to remove yourself from someone else’s close friends list on Instagram. It should at least be a mutual decision because there’s too many times where someone will add me to their close friends list and I’ll think “We are certainly not close friends.” In some cases we’ve never even met. To just call us close friends is really making quite an assumption. -I think one job I’d be really good at is deciding when commercials should get inserted into movies when they’re playing on TV. There’s so many times where the movie just abruptly goes to commercial and it’s very awkward. I, however, would know the perfect spots for those breaks. -A fun game to play is getting into a cab and immediately pretending like you’re on the show “Cash Cab” when you’re very clearly not on the show Cash Cab. Just get really excited and be like “Oh my god! I’ve always wanted to be on this show! What’s the first question? Give me the first question!” The driver will be very confused, but no matter how much he insists you’re definitely 100% not on the show Cash Cab, you can never break character. Now you may ask, why do this? I don’t have an answer other than it would just be funny. Thank you for your time.

You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts