Freya Smee is a Gestalt therapist who works with couples on conflict, communication and connection. In this episode, we talk about why the same fights keep happening, the stories we tell ourselves about each other and how to feel seen and heard in your relationship.

Freya also shares her own journey into this work. Learning to stop putting herself last, letting the sensitive parts of herself be seen and why couples work lights her up. She has a simple way of putting it... "your differences aren't the problem, the story you attach to them is."

Most fights aren't really about the dishes. Underneath the "you never" there's usually something softer. I'm sad. I'm scared I don't matter. I just want you to see me. When we can own the story we're telling ourselves things slow down and the other person gets a chance to lean in instead of reaching for their sword.

If you put everyone else first then snap when there's nothing left or if you find it hard to ask for help, this one's for you.

In this episode:

• How the patterns we learn growing up show up in our relationships.
• Overgiving, resentment and anger outbursts.
• Why anger feels so scary and what it's really telling us.
• "I'm making up a story that…" and why it changes arguments.
• Why your differences aren't the problem.
• The difference between owning your feelings and "you made me feel this."
• What's really going on underneath the fight.
• Hyper-independence and why asking for help feels so hard.
• The fear of not being enough.
• The inner critic and the parts of us sitting at the dinner table.
• Why accepting yourself is what actually lets you change.
• Rick on epilepsy, shame and the "dirty fuel" of proving yourself.

Connect with Freya

Connect with Rick

Scott Ellis is back for round two and this conversation goes somewhere unexpected fast. It moves quickly into an old pattern many of us carry... shaping what we say, holding things back and managing conversations so nobody gets upset.

Then there's the weird guilt that sits underneath it, often for things we haven't actually done wrong.

From there, the conversation turns to something Scott's been practising more deliberately: trusting a feeling in his body over the endless planning and strategising in his head.

A gut sense of yes or no that doesn't always make logical sense, but that he's learning to say out loud anyway, especially with the people he cares about most.

In this episode:

• The pattern of managing conversations to avoid upsetting someone.
• Unearned guilt and the courtroom analogy that's stuck with Scott for weeks.
• What it takes to practise honesty in a relationship instead of managing the outcome.
• Learning to trust a gut feeling that makes no logical sense.
• Choosing love over fear, one decision at a time.

Enjoy the episode and leave a comment if any of this chat resonated.

Connect with Rick

Sometimes in life, we can get a bit paralysed from making a decision out of the fear of getting it wrong. In this episode, I chat with Kate Johnson and what her version of this used to look like and what she did about it.

We also chatted about her old perfectionist and fixer parts like to jump in on the act with the best of intentions.

Kate has a number of really practical examples of how she has found new ways to hang with these old parts.

What we talked about in this episode:

• The four types of "FRACing" (fixing, rescuing, advice-giving, caretaking) and which one shows up most for Kate.
• What she got from being the fixer in her relationships and what it quietly cost her.
• Learning to listen instead of solve and the difference it made to her friendships.
• Giving her own kids permission to make decisions and change their minds, versus how she was raised.
• Quitting drinking nine years ago and what surfaced once the numbing stopped.
• Chronic pain, surgery recovery and how cutting off physical sensation bled into cutting off feelings generally.
• Anxiety and excitement feeling almost identical in her body and how she's learned to tell them apart.
• What it's felt like to have capacity again after years of running on empty.
• Making peace with the parts of herself that used to run the show, without needing to fight them.

If you have ever felt like you needed to get all your life ducks in a row, this episodes is a great example of what life looks like when you let go of needing things to be perfect.

Connect with Kate

Connect with Rick