Niceness is subjective, occasionally inappropriate, and often serves as a form of compensation for aggression. Anger, violence, and defensiveness are the simplest forms of aggression, although the most common forms of aggression are aspects of our personalities. We characterize a non-aggressive personality as being assertive without being aggressive. In other words, the non-aggressive aims to neither step on nor be stepped upon by others. Ideally, we want others to perceive our personality as non-aggressive.

It is not misunderstandings that destroy relationships, it is aggression. Logically, morally, and ethically, it should never feel good to hurt someone we care about. We choose aggression when we are only aware of what feels good viscerally, not emotionally. Whether we punish, retaliate, oppress, fight, bully, or control, we are aggressive because it makes us feel better. The wake-up story is that we will continue to choose aggression until hurting people no longer feels good, and that will be when we become more conscious of our unconscious reactions and behaviors.

If you are angry, impatient, unhappy, critical of others, need to tell people that you think their personal choices are wrong, reluctant to let them be “right,” even when your reward is freedom from battle, or people find you rude, arrogant, or offensive, or perceive you as ridiculing, criticizing, or antagonizing them, or you struggle to maintain relationships, then this book is for you.